On a run: the smallest sliver of football must touch the invisible world-spanning plane for it to be a touchdown.

“Well, she won’t touch you, sir. I mean, nobody will. Every kid we bring in here starts crying immediately and that eagle almost scalped you.”

Obama is the best. He doesn’t even have to do this stuff anymore but look at him, out and about. Meanwhile the shitstain in the White House is trying his best to destroy everything good in this world.

Obama did the “two dogs in the Cross Hall” thing better:

The eternal president tenderly holds a child, spreading warmth and peace the world over. Simultaneously in the White House, Trump briefly chokes while shoving fourteen cold French fries in his gullet. Horking a couple out on the rug, he then wipes most of the spittle off with the back of his tiny hand.

I feel like it’s inevitable that we see someone die on an NFL field sometime in the next decade.

Because NFL football is faster, more violent, and more dangerous than college football. So there should be no problem whatsoever.

Okay, I’ll bite. What is a guy who was declared medically ineligible to play in college doing playing in the NFL?

“Mary is lying, and we all know it. I saw her just the other day. Lovely woman. Fantastic woman. And she was all happy and special. Did she say anything about being raped? Nope. She acted fine. Plus there were no witnesses! She’s a lovely woman, but she’s very confused.”— Donald Trump

What was disturbing about it was that I couldn’t get laid again for another two years.

After Tootsie in 1987 Dustin Hoffman finally understood that even ugly women exist to be sexually assaulted by Dustin Hoffman.

My mom and my sponsor are solid, my cats are assholes in a way only I understand, and I’m going to believe in Barack, Michelle, and Mr. Rogers regardless.

That can’t be true about Hoffman since 1987 is after Tootsie came out. You know when he learned all the pain and pressure being a woman entailed and decided they were worthy of respect?

It implies that men only care about women when they are their property.

Assistance dogs need to be comfortable around other critters, even critters that steal their toys, eat their food, and bite them in the butt.

I’m reminded of Wonkette’s spectacular coverage of SC State Rep Candidate (??) Alvin Greene, who filed papers but maybe wasn’t running, and how his non-campaign, for a while, was somehow winning:

Henceforth, he shall be known as The Notorious D-O-G.

D-O-G is just being his asshole cat self, and it’s helping.

D-O-G, when interviewed, said he himself doesn’t need training, as he is so naturally awesome, but is willing to assist those poor benighted dog-things in trying to slightly increase their own capabilities.

Ok, sure, asshole.