My pit bull was like Rollo, to a lesser degree. She once ate a Coke can. She left the ends, but ate the rest of it. This prompted our vet to suggest that I pick up all of her poops in plastic bags and *smoosh* it until I was sure that she had passed it.

“What’s homo milk? Is this milk from GAY COWS?!” he demands, utterly* seriously, even angrily.

Is it Hammertime?

Your Honor, is Shade Court in session this week?

I want to quickly point out that of course of this woman’s actions were irresponsible and irrational—that’s the nature of phobia, an irrational fear that is debilitating. I have nearly done this for another reason (not spiders) and it’s horrifying. I’ve been locked in rooms by my phobia. Locked out of my house for…

I doubt the guy would have told his girlfriend whether the waitress got just the tip, but maybe that’s why they stopped dating.

I think he had an intent.

Now at an old, old school type party, the card game of choice is Pinochle.

Holy Acura

Or wandering around Penn Station (how have I not had to get my feet amputated?) after you missed the last train to LI.

Astroglide Slide?

underage?? try fully of age - still too drunk to walk in heels.

but I’ve so been that girl carrying her shoes because she’s willing to risk anything to not have to put them on

Hahaha, you’ve never been underaged drunk in NYC at 3am I take it?

As I’m sure a million people are going to pipe up and to say this, but, yes, Virginia, there are 5-year olds that can write letters.

During the children’s sermon on Christmas Eve, the pastor gave the gifts these gorgeously wrapped presents. The kids opened them and the boxes were empty - he was building to something. So he asked the kids if they knew why their boxes were empty? Much much louder than he anticipated due to the fine ascoustics in the…

Dicks are pretty much like like babies. No, not in that way.

Hmm...it might be. A lot of his gifs come from awesome interview sets. Lol. You could be very right though.

You’d have better luck getting a serious class on sex education in US public schools than a workers’ rights one. And you’d probably have better luck lobbying for every student to have a unicorn that poops chocolate and pisses rainbows than getting either of those classes.

I love when the state I have tattooed behind my ear and vehemently stan for proves it is worthy of my devotion.