Your assignment now is to write a Penthouse forum letter using those word but NO sex words. Can you do it? I sure can’t.

Dear Penthouse,

Too bad you can’t sculpt mayo. It would even have an accurate skin tone.

I was gonna say a butter sculpture of Drew two-fisting sticks of butter...

Some future state fair will have a butter sculpture of Magary housing a burger....

(sound of crickets)

Maybe this will hold me over until someone decides to do a Tiny Death Star II. I think I had more floors and sub-floors than would have been possible in the Death Star itself... heh.

Why is the thumbnail of Shazam! (2019)?

Spring football could certainly work. One of the biggest hurdles is that people feel no pressing need to watch any specific game, it’s hard to create instant fan loyalty for a brand new team. Why should I watch a random game between, say, the Arizona Hotshots and Salt Lake Stallions?

It was very difficult not to just close the page when I saw the first pick. Cool Ranch Doritos are nasty. And I like ranch dressing.

No. Nope. Just use these.

...the style blog D’Marge writes... The middle bar joins it up with adjectives like: “explore”; “taste”; “kiss”; “arouse”; “devour”; and “caress”

I don’t know about you, but I have serious anxiety about getting a fleshlight through a TSA checkpoint, so she stays at home. I can jerk off into a hotel washcloth filled with moisturizer and left on the room heater for five minutes for a couple days just fine.

How can you criticize a guy who is always pulling for his teammates?

Cancer is a motherfucker. Old or young, fit or fat, cancer just doesn’t seem to discriminate; It just hits us all.

Fuck Cancer

Cancer is full of snake oil and thin promises (the next miracle drug is right around the corner! Get in this study!).

But immunotherapy really really really is on the cusp of major advances in cancer treatment.

But a lot of those therapies may demand customized genetically-specific markers / “drugs” / etc. As in, some…

Fuck fucking cancer.

She fought the good fight and lived fully in the short time she was here.

I think her life says it better than I ever could, but still: Fuck Cancer.