My first year in college. 18. I got ridiculously distraught that this GORGEOUS lady classmate of mine didn't want to diddle my business. So alone at 4 am in my dorm room, boozey and face swollen with tears, I shaved my head. With my leg razor.

When I told a friend I hadn't talked to in a while that I was engaged and my oldest sister was pregnant, she responded with "Oh my gosh, poor [middle sister]! She's going to chop off all her hair!" According to her, my engagement and impending aunthood should have sent my sister off the deep end. She's quite fine, I'm…

I cut my hair when the moment strikes me. When I'm drunk, usually. That's always a good moment. Gave myself a mohawk on my birthday last week, as a little fuck you from myself and my Vodka to all the bullshit about getting closer to 40. Cutting my own hair is cathartic sometimes. And shaving your head is a fucking…

My friends are having a baby. They turned their announcement into a goddamn production. Chalk drawings, cutesy photos of empty baby shoes, lots of posing, and a shit ton of "clever" phrases and wink-wink nudge-nudge FB posts.

This is exactly what I was coming here to say!

I need an extra-large handbag to store all of my shame. Don't forget the shame!

Well, obviously us fatties need big handbags, to carry all our Cheetos and ribs and milkshakes in! Oh and brownies! And all our not-exercising.

Oh who gives a fuck about this miserable, cranky piece of shit. Let's talk about how amazing Oprah has been looking lately! Look at this! She wins everything!

You'd think acting, being able to put yourself in a character's shoes for an extended period of time, might cause a person to develop some empathy.

Uh, America's Sweethearts role reversal here or WHAT?

There's nothing quite as attractive as someone being exactly who they want to be.

You know what Pink? I would actually love to hear more songs about how awesome someone's partner is.

"As a white man I am literally never ever bothered by anyone about anything."

Wait, so a man in power is using religion as a justification for abuse of his wife? Color me not surprised.

I'm really glad to see her concerned about Shelly. It's really scary that a woman is widely known to be missing and there hasn't been much done about it.

And all the white people who've never used a tanning bed due to "no need" please raise your hands. I'll start:

Score! So that means 'feminine products' of all kinds (pads, tampons, birth control ('cause we know that's the ladies' responsibility, right?), make up, dresses, etc) should be tax free because otherwise it's sexist, right?

Seriously. Stop focusing on gay marriage and abortion, and instead focus on what being a conservative is supposed to be about: smaller government. If you'd actually spend time talking about ways to make the federal government smaller and more efficient, and address the issues of crony capitalism - which both parties…

The Republicans can move their primary debates to an unbiased network like Nickelodeon and when a candidate attacks a moderator instead of answering their question they get slimed.

Rance Priebus has a point, but he started combing his hair another way and now it's almost unnoticeable.