A puff piece if ever there was one.

At least it isn't a nasty, ugly old Dick head like this one.

Napoleon's message to Josephine: "Stop bathing. I'm on the way home."

I worried about the species going extinct but now I see it's so worth it. Just knowing some douche banker, along with Jay Leno, will experience this carbon confection - well, have it parked gathering dust anyway - makes my world right.

Best I have is flipping burgers at a ski area mountain top restaurant during peak week when the Euro instructor wants his burger "rare." We're frying frozen patties out of a box - not Kobe beef here - but I give him a less done burger off the grill. No, not rare enough. Again, not rare enough. There is a crowd…

Hey, these are boys. WTF?

Sweet. I do that with our goats.

Sometimes they marry.

My daughter's best friends growing up were identical twins. She did everything with the two girls but it was still hard to be sure at first sight which was which. One liked me better than the other so I looked for the warm smile that told the difference.

Oh, it can also happen that you adopt a child, never having been able to have one, and then, of course, whammo, welcome little sister.

What are these guys named besides Beagle Boy 1, 2 and 3?

He's a police officer so insanely, unbelievably stupid is the call.

Thieving asshole buys Ferrarri? Why is this a headline? Who else buys them?

Most customer service reps are now cons in for-profit prisons whose only function is your vent. They don't care, the corporation doesn't care and eventually you won't care either. So call and vent. It's okay. Who else is going to listen? Besides Mom, if she's still alive, I mean.

A car that just screams "I'm a dick."

Merry Christmas.

Watch out. Sometimes the beat-ee becomes the beat-or.