Right! That part was so specific and weird!

Fuck this dude. Fuck him because no woman will ever be "good enough" for him, and he's not nearly as special as he believes he is.

Besides the physical description of himself, this is my ex. Right down to the Grouper reference. UGH. He was the worst. I could do nothing but disappoint him.

Oh, that part is sad too. But sometimes I get this through-the-looking-glass moment, and this is one of them. I'm well acquainted with the shitty fallout of guys having an idealized version of the perfect woman, Frankensteined together out of airbrushed and fictional archetypes. I know why that sucks for me. But…

"Baby, you're my angel investor."

I find it rather disturbing. I mean, he has spent a ridiculous amount of time imagining this whole life with an imaginary woman. Eighth-grade me didn't spend near that amount of effort with Leonardo diCaprio from Titanic. I mean, it's a bit extreme.

I'm especially fond of being around idiots who are all, "I really wanna do a tall chick, like, I've never been out with a tall girl before."

these two are in bed listening to a mastadon album?? YEAH REALLY SENSUAL

Despite that he doesn't want "hipster culture" defining how she dresses, dude sounds like a hipster. Good luck, bro.

"You are an innovator."

Every asshole wants a tall girl until we're towering over them in heels.

"When I feel down, you make me salmon and water melon cuts with a glass of coke"? This HAS to be a troll.

Ritalin's a helluva drug...