And then it gave everyone a blowjob! Even the ladies! It was incredible.

Don't you ever have a great day because you're wearing your favorite underwear? Some things are just for you!

Have you decreased in mass?

Bars, I may grant you. I would not recommend churches, however. They tend to attract religious patrons, for one reason or another.

Or if you're Catholic, get smashed at church and meet someone nice.

What, you're telling me women don't like to be addressed like they're the subject of a scientific experiment? Who knew!

I would take the cup with me. No sense in them having my DNA.

I know, right? I was like "Do not leave us hanging."

Some guy tried to break in my sister's house and when we called the police we were all cowering in the hallway, terrified, clutching the cats and her dog, praying that we would not be murdered and my sister was just chatting away with the 911 operator about all kinds of bullshit. In the middle of the call, she turned…

So.... did she get more sprinkles?

Dolphin-fuckery, apparently.

but now a new documentary —The Girl Who Talked to Dolphins - is letting her discuss her relationship with Peter

And that is something that is in my browser history now.

My husband does this shit i call the silent burrito. He starts to turn through out the night each turn taking a bit of the blanket away from me. Fuckers all snuggled up and I'm shivering. Motherfuckin silet burrito

My grandfather was the first person to train a dolphin back in the early 60s. He had a large marina and someone brought him critically wounded dolphin whom he nursed back to health. She couldn't survive in the wild, so they kept her. My father did most of the training. He said she would routinely try to rape him.…

So putting up with it so they can finally stop being handsy and move on? Yeah, been there.

And then, if they say "We don't have a recycling program here," then you simply say "Oh," while looking a little judgmental. Then they'll realize that THEY'RE the ones that just blew the interview and will be falling all over themselves to offer you the position. Which you will have to decline because, according to…