Alvarado, why don’t you swing for the fences?
You been caught lookin’ senseless, so so long now.

I’m outraged that Doordash pays its drivers so little that they have to play minor league ball to make ends meet.

Goddamn, man. This being Deadspin, I want to make a joke...but I just can’t; nothing about child abuse is humerus.

K’s, ranked:

Note the objects Scott bounds around—a pencil, a headphone jack, what looks like a measuring tape. All pretty Earth-ish objects.

Was Contractor’s dad named Foreman?

Counter-point: Self-checkout (when properly configured and working) is the best.

See? Despite being all critical and “The Blue Jays should be trying to win and give their fans something to be excited by” Deadspin never mentions the positive aspects of keeping Guerrero in the minors. For instance, with what they pay Minor Leaguers, he won’t be able to afford three meals a day. 

The Marvel universe is genuinely freaking out right now.

This game is such a masterpiece that it's managed to cram an extra year into its lifetime

To really put the duration of this contract into perspective, when it expires, R. Kelly will try to have sex with it.

Fun fact: “The Touching is, To Me, Off Limits,” was the original title of MC Hammer’s 1990 breakthrough single. 

I guess the smell finally got too bad to manage.

It’s actually pretty easy to see why the Cubs wouldn’t be in on Machado. After all they’ve got a perfectly mediocre SS with domestic violence issues they really need to prioritize.

The answer, as always, is clear:

It’s been getting easier.

He’s literally right there. The one in the middle with the Rams uniform on. You’re welcome.

I felt the same way when I attended my first live F-Zero race. It looks way slower on the SNES than it does in person. Those fuckers are crazy.