...why are you being a jerk about this? Seriously, what about any of this calls for snark? I know you’re not a very good writer, so you’re likely just defaulting out of laziness, but damn, man, try sometime.

I’ve done that but it’s really awkward at a urinal.

Hey! I’m an Italian American from Jersey and I have no problem people of an inferior race.

Not all heroes wear capes.

I'm a pregnant chick. If cookies are being handed out, I'll take one.

welcome to the internet, where even the wishes of a fat white guy who already caucused are respected and honored.

I want a cookie, but I’m just a fat white guy who already caucused, so nobody cares to give me cookies anyway.

“It seemed Chelsea would escape with a point”

However, his lawsuit for receiving no dice as a result of his having no shirt and no shoes continues to garner public support.

*SIGH*
AAAAAND no more Jezebel at work today.

Feast Mode.

From that photo, I’m going to assume he contracted his throat cancer the same way Michael Douglas did. Get well, Mort.

Pen names aside, Drew’s writing has really improved.

Holy shit, 1 in 4 people that try to text while driving die? I can’t believe I’m not seeing more carnage on the roads.

Umm, none of those are particularly outlandish. People are weird. Sex is weird, and I could tell you stories that make all of those seem very tame by comparison.

This will almost certainly put him at odds with former teammate and notorious crip Wes Welker.

What? Where? Who?

Both of these are 1-in-10,000 risks.

Oh Beth.