“My body is not a topic of discussion.”

That was my thought too. A hormonal IUD would have greatly enhanced my quality of life at age ten, when I would go three months without a period and then have three in a month’s time.

When my grandma died, a Wisconsin relative sent a five-pound block of cheddar to the house. Best gift ever. Family chipped away at that sucker for a week.

Dinner is good, but so are snacks. Granola bars, crackers, coffee/tea, fruit (something durable like apples or oranges), nuts, instant oatmeal packets, etc. Grieving puts people in a prolonged state of “I’m not hungry but I know I should eat something,” so grab-and-go nutrition is good. Also, TP. Everybody needs TP.

I think the “in a better place” thing only works if there’s a lead-in to it. If the grieving person says something about heaven or the deceased being reunited with loved ones or eternal peace, then that’s a clue that “in a better place” talk will be comforting. But absent such cues ... no.

Have something in your hands next time you see them. I find that a grocery bag filled with toilet paper, crackers, granola bars, and durable fresh fruit (apples, bananas, oranges) is good. Who doesn’t need those things when life crashes down on them? And then you can say, “I don’t know whether you want company or not,…

You need a brown sugar bear:

Here’s my take—people aren’t wrong, exactly, when they talk about all the problems with diamonds. BUT, if those same people own or use TVs or cell phones, they are giant hypocrites. Lots of things we buy and use are problematic, and short of living off the grid in the woods and never interacting with other humans,…

If you really got a new phone, who did you think you were texting “Dumb as hell” to earlier?

It’s the book of Revelation. THERE IS NO S. Revelation. Revelation!

I think it would also be okay if the man modeling went all out to truly look like Jenner—great makeup, shaving body hair, posing confidently, etc. The offensiveness or inoffensiveness is all in the intent of the wearer. It will be very clear on Halloween who is wearing white panties and a bustier to make fun of…

Buy him a newspaper subscription. He sounds bored.

When he finds the book in the bathroom? *weeps*

The dog bit people. Your comment is like accusing parents whose kid shot at someone of dumping the kid off at a psychiatric facility.

All my friends, in their third trimesters, had to eat a lot of mini-meals, because their babies were pressing on their stomachs, reducing the stomachs’ capacities. A piece of fish and a sweet potato sounds about right. With a snack an hour or two later, and another before bed. Large meals make most pregnant women…

A similar thing happened to me. My beloved rascally pooch chewed off the top of a bottle of Aleve, and we didn’t know if she’d ingested any pills. The vet had us induce vomiting so we could look for pill fragments. So I gave her the hydrogen peroxide, walked around with her for half an hour ... nothing. I came back…

I saw a video of Indianapolis Pride—there was a group of street preachers/sign-wielders yelling stupid stuff. In response, a police office pulled up in their car, turned on the siren, got out of the car, and walked away. Perfection.

Sort of like the word “bridal.” Floral arrangement: $30. Bridal floral arrangement: $300.

This just in: People on the Internet Were Wrong!