*LIST ONLY VALID IF YOU EAT CEREAL FOR INCONTINENCE

TIM MARCHMAN DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THE REST OF THE DEADSPIN STAFF.

The worst.

WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU

Sorry folks, Astroworld has been closed since 2005. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

Police: Mr. Muhammed, why did you have sex with a 14 year old girl?

Singler's doing it the wrong way

This shouldn't be surprising. Getting 17 without any assists is his typical stat line.

Hey diddle diddle,
I punched her over spittle.

Figures Rice couldn't manage more than 3 yards on this carry

Shit, if I could do that, that would solve everything.

No, Darren Sharper was trying to put the team on their backs.

Speaking as someone who's had major depression for years, who's experienced the lack of motivation, eroded sense of self, and feelings of constant persecution, I empathize with Martin—truly, there's nothing worse than rooting for the Dolphins.

so wait, did Oddibe really have to pay those water bills

The way this site works is that we expect that linking to articles about a guy, embedding a video about him, and mentioning that he's fought on the local circuits and is a former training partner of an Olympic wrestling captain should provide our readers, who we don't think are total fucking morons, enough context to…

What better way to say you care than a gift basket?