Oh Michelle, you’re going straight to hell.

In what kind of batshit crazy world do I have to be complicit in human rights violations or stop watching soccer and those are the only two choices?

Can you please give some examples of Russian and Qatari companies that are as big as Budweiser, McDonald’s, Visa, Adidas, and Coca-Cola?

I already “boycott” most of these brands due to my urge to live as long as possible but damn FIFA straight to hell for making me have to apply for a Discover card.

That's not even close to the point.

I can sleep comfortably at night knowing that I’m doing my part to stick it to companies like Adidas and Nike by buying their much cheaper knockoffs at near authentic quality.

I encourage others to join me in boycotting all of these companies and letting them know they are doing so because of their support of FIFA and, therefore, of human rights abuses in Qatar

Not true. The sponsors will leave if there’s money to be lost by not doing so.

1 in private, 2 in public. It’s the ol’ Reagan dodge.

Absolutely true on both points, actually. With how we wound up in Iraq, it FLOORS me that he got re-elected...Oh wait.

He didn’t start getting truly evil until the Qatar world cup rolled around. Before that he basically standard issue for an American league executive. But then FIFA decided to branch out into slavery.

“Is it too late for me to throw my hat in the ring for this election?”

Jesus and Mohammad could run against him and Blatter would still win. He could rule FIFA from jail if he was arrested and convicted.

Correction, Sepp should be elected so that he is President when everyone else eventually caves and his downfall will then be all the more satisfying.

Nope. Sepp Blatter knows everything about what goes on within FIFA. He's no fool. He's actually very intelligent. He never takes any of these "bribes" so that he doesn't get in trouble. Others do it on his behalf. Sepp might be one of the most evil leaders of all time, but he's no fool.

It’s like that old political saying. How does it go? Oh right. Don’t change a horse’s ass midstream.

This really is the world cup of spam and we’re issuing a red card.

Yes, this terrible pun is completely representative of “us,” and unhip government functionaries only exist in America.

Wow, you really are a soccer fan.

Somewhere, Chuck Schumer is wishing he'd made that joke.