Wow, three times. Are you the guy who was caught on whale/hippo watch?

Shit, you're right. He's a Scranton 8.

Wait. Have you adjusted your Cleveland scale for the return on Lebron James?

This is SOP for Vegas. I go all the time with my girlfriends. Half of us are essentially gorgeous models and half of us are big, fat fatties. (I'm in the latter category...). My pretty friends will hashtag vegas in an IG photo and 8,000 promoters will be all "Hey, call me if you want your table comped at Light…

My wife's an 8 or 10. You don't have to convince me. :)

I'm willing to bet these women aren't gamers or campers, or they'd probably being doing just that. You couldn't pay me to camp for a bachelorette party.

He's a Cleveland 7. Tops.

One time I took a call from a colleague I didn't know well but happened to have been talking to in the pub the night before. He seemed thrown by my (apparently overly) friendly tone so I explained that he'd been chatting to my friend and I. He replied (word for word) "oh yes - you were the other one."
Do I need to…

Um, did you just imply hippos are not graceful?

This is the Comcast cancel call equivalent in nightclub booking.

Seriously, she was like, um ok nm then, and he's like BUT WAIT NO HIPPOS BUT DON'T YOU WANT TO COME TO THE #1 CLUB IN AMERICA? BUT NO HIPPOS. BUT WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOINNNNNGGGG??? Lol what a moron.

Sorry, this is my picture, is this a problem?

After I had teeth pulled (and woke up), I demanded we go to TGIFridays. I drooled blood everywhere and fell asleep in the booth before I could even get my brownie sundae.

Fixed it! Don't I get a gold star or something? At least a horrific XTina cake?

... madonna?

You know, it's very easy to say we shouldn't be obsessed with virgins but if you know of another kind of blood with which to summon our dark lord upon the earth...I'm all ears.

When i was younger, i wasn't so much trying to lose my virginity as i was give it away to anyone who would take it. Sadly there weren't a lot of interested parties. I suppose i could have tried the Free Stuff section of Craigslist.

Nothing can prepare you for how underwhelming your first time is.

"Mother, I am the future king and I want that horse. I will be distracted by paper though, if you have any on hand"