Mr. Wont and I call each other "dwon," alternatively spelled "d'juan," because Mr. Wont hears "love dwon" every time he hears "loved one."

"Books and books and books"? Isn't that why we have the word "many"?

I was just waiting during the rose ceremony for Des to say things like "the gin and tonic guy" or "purple tie guy." I crack up thinking of the cram sessions she probably has, with the guy's picture + name like flash cards, and the notes she must write down to keep them all straight.

Mmmm Juan Pablo. He looks just like this Brazilian singer I'm super into right now, Marcos Valle. Commence auxiliary fantasies revolving around Juan Pablo.

I've used this metaphor before and I'll trot it out now: Mr. Wont and I watch it as though we are real deer in the forest who look through a cabin window and see "Bambi" playing on the TV. It's fascinating.

Can't you just...go camping?

Mr. Wont doesn't drink anymore, but he maintains the freezer-steins just for me. When I get home and am grumpy (always; traffic), he insists on pouring my Negra Modelo/Newcastle/Ellie's into the frosted stein. He discusses the head, the body, he takes a deep, appreciative whiff with his eyes closed, and hands the…

It. Matches. His. Eyes.

Ha! Excellent. It's just like they always say: Insane voicemails from a bygone business contact who is mistaking you for someone else with the same first name and is very drunk make the heart grow fonder.

Yeah, besides the obvious "I'm sharing these because I am not actually having an affair with this freak", it IS fun to hoot & holler at the crazies. But, ten calls? In a row? Sometimes you're just not in the mood for that shit. She's gotta be incredibly drunk all the time to never figure out/care that she's…

A steady supply of psychobabble! You need to keep those voicemails and prank people. One of Mr. Wont's messages from Psycho Girl ended with "Happy New Year ASSHOLE", and it's now our tradition to stay in, get giggly on champagne, prank call our friends on New Year's and pray they let the call go to voicemail. …

My husband had a psycho girl phase. He kept his answering machine tapes—comedic gold.

The "rude to servers" thing, a million times. My Rude to/Mocks Servers Under His Breath dude ended up also being the On Xanax dude who freaked out one night and kicked me out of his apartment because my car was parked behind his and he needed to get gas early in the morning, so "it's better you just leave now." He's…

I was also proposed to in a public park/hike-in campground; Mr. Wont wrote "Will you marry me?" in the visitor's guest book a week before bringing me up there, and we miraculously had the place to ourselves too. Except for the stuffed coyotes and hawks.

I love how he hesitates after the first move towards a kiss.

Empathy? No? Never heard of it?

I was all set to be Henry, dodged a bullet too! Although my cousin and her husband just named their little new guy Henry, so it's growing on me. Anyone else's family steal/recycle baby names? My sister was going to be Ellen until my aunt said she wanted to name her daughter that, so my mom switched it, only to have…

Stolen from a t-shirt I saw online: Ain't no party like a Gatsby party 'cause a Gatsby party don't stop til at least two people are dead and everyone is disillusioned with the jazz age as a whole.

Ditto EXACTLY. Such timely disappointment for me, too, since I was just informed by the clinic receptionist that my PCP is no longer there, and I have a little problem I can't exactly discuss with my gyno and would be overjoyed just to type out in an email instead of saying the words out loud to a PCP I don't even…

Costco sleep aids. They're the knock-off version of unisom and I take one almost every night about half an hour before I want to be asleep. Otherwise, I'd lie (lay??) there for hours replaying conversations with my coworkers and trying to gauge how my horrible boss feels about me THIS week, and here are all the…