I remember a bad season of applying for jobs. I had a whole breakup song playlist for coping. I was a big fan of Bonnie Raitt’s “I can’t make you love me.” I also would rewrite the lyrics to Beyonce after a rejection letter:

I’m not opposed to robots being in my vagina. I just don’t need it to be giving me feedback about what it finds down there.

I absolutely want to use this. I don’t speak Finnish, so I’m just going to tell people it’s pronounced “Jukka-Pekka Saraste.”

The water, oh god the water. I had a -server- pull that on me one day.

my sister’s old neighborhood always got excited for hallowe’en, until she quit doing her house and yard a few years ago. she just moved, i don’t know if she will at the new place. but this was in the past decade that it was still a big thing to go trick or treating around here.

Then you should avoid any mayonnaise on your pizza—I hear that works better than Atkins.

Better alternative:

she didn’t know how we could sleep at night after what we did

If you want a special wedding day that’s all about you, a bar is certainly the PERFECT place to go, considering it will surely be the site of your funeral.

Given that Halloween is coming up and all sorts of stupid lore about treats laced with tricks will soon full the media, here is a simple trick to detect illicit drugs in your confections:

And depending on how old you are, it’s totally possible that your mother didn’t “choose” life so much as have it forced on her because she wasn’t allowed any other options.

I think that was my initial reaction at seeing it: crying and throwing something like a remote or a water bottle. These are real women whose lives are at stake here, not just some characters on TV or pictures in a book. Real women, real people, who have lives, loves, wishes, hopes and dreams. They deserve better than…

Yes, exactly! Anti-choicers don’t seem to care that banning abortion is just sweeping a whole lot of underlying problems under the rug. Besides the small failure rate of birth control, why do we have abortions? Because of poverty, because of our shameful state of parental leave and childcare, because of misinformation…

You’re making a lot of assumptions about me ‘cause I’m on Jez too. I’m a gay guy for one and as a renown expert on penises, with much, much, much, much experience on them (literally on them), if I can’t make fun of your small penis then something’s wrong with the world.

Revzilla basically makes it so they sell helmets for people to try on, and they keep if they like.

Agree. Don’t waste energy trying to make your junk food good for you. Eat it, wallow in your baser instincts, and move on.

I don’t trust the cleanliness of napkins. I’d rather eat grease than the yuckiness that might be on napkins... I don’t know why I don’t trust napkins that are in fast food places.

When I was a child and my parents would leave me and my sister alone on a weekend night, they would buy us soda and a Tony’s pepperoni pizza. I have vivid memories of sitting in front of the oven and watching the pizza cook, the pepperonis turning from salmon colored flat disks into dark red cups, brimming full of hot…

I like to teabag my pizza, because I find my ball hair is more absorbent than some crappy paper napkin. Don’t fucking shame me for doing it in public. I’m here to live my life.

When I’m eating delivered pizza, as a I take a slice I flip it over and touch it to the cardboard then flip it again to cheese side up and put it on my plate.