I started that piece, got to the point where she referred to herself as a "mommy," scrolled down through the wall of text in which I could see the word "mommy" being repeated again and again, and decided to read more about Tom Brady's balls instead.

You have no idea how happy I am that this story didn't end with "And so we got married."

Yeah, all of this even without the third post rang my bullshit-o-meter so hard it wasn't even funny.

Hey, I did it too! And it didn't work for me, either - damn it!

I recently cut off my father. I was the "black sheep" in a classic black sheep/golden child family relationship (I was the only product of the first marriage, so I guess that's why I was the target) and his second and current wife is incredibly toxic. As a teenager, I moved in with them for two years to get to know…

He lives in a different city now, but he still tries to contact me from time to time, and spies tell me he talks about me (first and last name) on the air. Gross.

I would have banged him. Hell, I probably would have married him.

Oh man. I used to have sex with this guy who I was a little hung up on because he had a truly enormous dong. I couldn't tell you much about his personality, just that he had a huge penis. It was amazing. Anyway, he found me on Facebook and he's now a rabid anti-vaxxer. I still think of him fondly though because…

Please, PLEASE tell me you were in San Diego so we can compare SysOp stories.

My dog did that once and it was so incredibly gross.

I dated a version of that guy who was also a wacky radio deejay. HA HA HA

I SLEPT WITH ONE OF THOSE. It went on for like a year. I couldn't stop. It was so good.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. My high school boyfriend went full libertarian and started trying to talk to me about free markets and shit like that (years after we broke up.) He stopped talking to me because he said I was arrogant and thought I was so smart just because I travel and read a lot.

Hahaha, now I have to think back too. I've blocked most of it out.

I used to have a downstairs neighbor who was about my age who would come to my door drunk and waggle his dick at me. One night I was bored so I slept with him. Oh god it was terrible.

It's like you just know he has a soul patch and wraparound sunglasses.

He just looks so dumb. Just so, so dumb.

It's almost like relationships are made up of individuals who are all built with different needs and interests and so no one relationship style works for everyone... but that's crazy talk!

And don't forget the dozens of mass graves found near Iguala alone during the search. Ya me canse.

IF ONLY! it's more like waaaah waaaah I'm so drunk I screwed up blah blah kri kri