Do you want secret spoilers? Or some gentle clues?

Same. I’m having to read this whole article three or four times because it is so delicious, and that is exactly how I shall refer to myself, forwith.

Oh my. Oh my. Ross. My heart. Down to fuck. Sex stares. I can’t cope.

Probably. All they need one friend who can read and they’re good to go.

I don’t know. I mean, are we sure they can read?

Also, see a reply to Anna below for the lowdown on how nuts my mama is. Srsly. Nuts.

No, she’d be hurt if we insisted on not playing along.

You are, but we tried to break it all off kindly years ago. I can’t explain how sentimental/passive aggressive/actually bonkers my mum is. We love her but you never quite know what will upset her and make her burst into tears whilst insisting it’s ok, or if it makes her angry she’ll clearly be angry but won’t say why.…

I don’t blame her, babes. I do it too - I tell my students if they quote more than one word from a text at a time for their analysis, I’ll tell Santa, and we all know what happens to naughty boys and girls. Who knew Santa could be so useful?!

Yeah. We keep going because it makes them happy. My dad still writes letters from Santa. Last year, it started like this;

But it’s so ridiculous! It’s not even as if these people are religious - well, not in the UK anyway. About 3% go to church, which means both that their concerns about Christmas as a religious festival are disingenuous and also a convenient focal point for the men to take out all their racist rage but feel justified…

I do. I feel I have to play along. Because I don’t want to hurt my mama, who starts looking forward to Christmas at the end of the summer holidays in August. Don’t judge me.

Oh. Yeah, you’re right. Both of these are like shooting yourself in the foot and then blaming the gun.

I know, right? It takes either high level fuckery or high level racist stupidity to make adverts about buying shit from a crap supermarket about race. I men, you would literally already need to be foaming at the mouth about Muslims....oh.....

None of those fuckers are Christian and they don’t care about Jesus. They say “England” is a “Christian” country but what they mean is white. Which Jesus wasn’t. Don’t confuse them, though; the whole of Britain First is built on this misnomer.

In the not sexy way. Which would be with Vince Twatface Vaughan’s severed leg.

What’s your equivalent example of people who voted Brexit complaining their region has lost EU funding - because they have...voted to leave the EU - and asking Westminster if they’re going to reimburse them?

FIGHT!

Mine haven’t stopped. I still have to tell mama on the phone what I think Santa *might* bring me. So she can tell him. I am 39. Help me.

Basically, there needs to be shitloads more drinks and shitloads more umbrellas. Or for it actually to be the holiday.