Absolutely. After the first time I ever had sex, the guy I was with asked me how many times I had come. The answer, for a lot of reasons, was zero. I panicked and blurted out, “Uh, 7?” He responded, “Oh. I thought it was more.”

Yeah, just imagine how different all the school shootings to date would’ve been if there was only one exit and the shooter was standing in it.

I can’t understand how human beings figured out that there was anything worth eating inside the adamantine grip of the walnut shell before we figured out how to get a man on the moon.

This story just forced me against my will to remember that I used to lick my finger and dip it into the jar of Butter Buds (a powdered butter substitute) and eat it. It made my mom furious, even though we never actually used the Butter Buds (she bought it when she had just gotten home from the hospital after her first…

Any REALLY good restaurant (better than Red Lobster) will pull the meat out of the shell for you. They may then present it on top of the shell or something, but it’s just for show - the meat should be easy to get at with a knife and fork.

Come to Maryland. We’re used to having to train out-of-state friends and relations on how to “pick” whole crabs. My mother said the first time in my life she was really proud of me was the first time my family went to a crab shack and she was just able to eat her own dinner without having to help me through my own (I…

A fun thought I just had was that if Gina Haspel wasn’t a U.S. citizen by birth, her participation in a torture program like the one that she supervised for the United States government would be a lifetime bar on her ever gaining citizenship in this country.

I’m usually pretty finicky and grossed-out by shit other people do, but I agree that blowing your nose in the shower is Best Practices. Especially when you have a cold, it feels like in the shower is the only time when you really get it ALL out and can breathe, and then hopefully the steam can penetrate and convince…

I have literally never, not once, noticed if the shrimp I was eating was deveined or not. Maybe if they were the literally palm-sized small lobsters I was recently served as nibbles at a friend’s fancy Brooklyn wedding recently, but in nothing under that size is it ever going to make a damn bit of difference. You are…

Unless you’re my one grandfather who broke his hip at 98 while rollerblading. He had it pretty good. The last 2 years of his life were rough on him, though, going from being a totally self-sufficient adult for longer than most people’s whole lives to suddenly being “old.” Still, I think I’d be lucky if I got that…

She also lived through at least one famine caused by the state that was so bad that there’s well-documented reports of people eating their own children, which may clarify her outlook further.

Only first-worlders with lots of options and no experience of how bad the potential outcomes can be willingly drink raw milk. When I lived in Sudan, my host family bought milk once a week from a donkey cart that came through the neighborhood, and then they boiled that shit for 8 HOURS in a pot that wasn’t used for…

I love Francis. She’s not an Extremely Beautiful Woman, in the sense that Donald Trump is not going to be making her his 4th wife, but I feel like she knows what fashion can do in a way a lot of Extremely Beautiful Women don’t (see: all the basic tulle princess dresses with nary a nod to the theme at the freaking Met…

Not to be cruel, but Jenna Bush’s hair is exactly how I style mine for work when I haven’t washed it yet this week and it’s Wednesday so I can’t give a shit.

In order from things you are most to least likely to be having trouble with:

I do wonder if sometimes Jon Lovett lays awake at night and wonders if he just got off with Frank Sinatra’s son.

Jesus fuck, and no one wanted to dress her a few years ago? LOOK AT HER. She looks like a million bucks, and Christian Siriano gets to have his clothes seen on her. Best dressed of the night IMO.

What is the difference between a “personal identity” and a sexual orientation? And what the heck did you think all those Queer Studies departments in universities were about?

It sucks so much when Q&A audience members make the question about themselves.

Peanut butter.