Every time there’s a Dirt Bag item about French Montana, I misread it as French Stewart, which makes them much funnier.

Wasn’t there a whole thing where Chobani and other Greek yogurts were creating so much extra whey that would normally stay in regular-thickness yogurt, and no one knew what to do with this gross-ass milk water? Methinks they discovered what to do with this unwanted byproduct.

I always know when summer’s over the first time I drop my phone between the driver’s seat and the console in my car. During the summer, I’m wearing shorts, and my skin has enough friction that I can drive with my phone in my lap without it going anywhere. The first day of wearing actual pants that thing goes flying…

I agree if and only if the “faraway place” you’re in required a passport to get to. When I was on my study abroad in London, the last Harry Potter book came out, and I stood in line for 8 hours. The two guys behind me were soccer hooligans who were willing to share the vodka and orange juice they brought, which was…

Also Uber, which has been present in DC for some time now.

I know the word of an internet commentator is as worthless as Zimbabwe dollars, but I know a girl who was picked as the audience participant for the bullet catch trick a few years ago in Vegas, so I don’t think audience plants are the way they’re making it work. My guess is the trick relies on machinations more…

I actually bought a wake-up light during the last sale, before realizing that as-is, I regularly sleep through full-sun mornings and afternoons with no problems. Now, just at the moment I’m going through a depressive episode, but my whole life I’ve found it very easy to sleep in places and situations a hell of a lot…

I actually bought a wake-up light during the last sale, before realizing that as-is, I regularly sleep through…

When I lived in Sudan, we had the opposite problem - I couldn’t use the bathroom at all for about an hour after I got out of work. The water sat in a tank on top of the building all day, and after sitting in 100-120 degree sun for 10 hours or more it would come out of the sprayer at near boiling point. If you tried to…

Celebratory gunfire is a thing I learned about in Sudan when I lived there. Such is my liberal bubble, I was unaware that it was a thing in the US. Truly, we are the third-world country of first-world countries.

I’ve only been flying since after 9/11 (I got on my first plane at 18, then promptly moved overseas twice). I didn’t want to speak to something I had no direct knowledge of, but yeah, it seems pretty basic that you can’t do shit while the pilots and crew are still getting the plane out of “we might crash” territory.

There’s always that one douche who’s just shocked - shocked! that he can’t get up and start digging in the overhead bins while the plane is 5 feet from the ground and the seatbelt sign is still on, and always one other person who’s surprised to learn they can’t blithely wander into the bathroom under the same…

This is true as long as you aren’t both tall and sneaky. I live with roommates and let me tell you, the top of the fridge/over the fridge cabinets are where all the very best stuff in our house is located, because I’m the tallest by about 6 inches. Shorties don’t even think of those places as places, they aren’t part…

I’m working on some pretty scant evidence here, but I nanny my bestie’s two kids once a week and those kids actually seem to like each other? I mean, they fight and argue, but really all they want is for an adult to help them work out a compromise (“Kid 1 can choose something to watch on Netflix, but it has to be an…

I literally cannot understand how you count this as a “bad experience with a delivery driver” and not an “embarrassing experience that I’m glad I had the chance to fix.” You stiffed a guy (by accident), and then you got the chance to not be the asshole who stiffed a guy. You’re fine, you need to get over it.

You are wrong, “so-and-so and I” is always the correct construction.

The only way I can be okay with the fact that yet again a woman of color has graciously forgiven the perpetrator of a violent crime against them who seems to show no remorse whatsoever is by reminding myself that every moment of this has given Asma Jama a chance to show off what a magnificent queen she is, while her…

I’m still mad about the woman in the grocery store yesterday who muttered “You could say ‘excuse me’” behind my back after I zoomed past her, even though I did say ‘excuse me.’ I’ve never been in the same galaxy with the kind of grace this woman has.

I don’t know if it’s because I can’t imagine anyone, much less someone of Amy Adams’ caliber, falling in love with Jeremy Renner’s potato face, or if it’s because it was a classic example of a movie that crammed its love story in because I guess every movie needs a love element (you can argue that it needs a couple to…

For one thing, the step ladder he was trying to use kept falling over.

Him and Jeremy Renner are the two most potato-faced white dudes I’ve ever fucking seen, and they’re consistently assholes in the press (you know, in situations where they know people are listening so you’d think they’d fucking put on a human face for a minute or two, but no). I have no idea how either of them managed…