I remember the last El Nino I was wearing shorts and t-shirts to school for the first two weeks of January. I mean, in North Dakota you must’ve been shitting yourself at how weird it was (where’s the walls of snow and ice gone?) but it was equally weird in DC, I can assure you.

Also, fighting them on the beaches may win the war, but it’s unlikely to end in orgasms.

In the bar? I dunno, most people seem to like it.

Oh, how will I ever live with my public internet shamming?

Same. Have you ever tried to bring up to people how irrational and dumb unrequited love is? All the “But I can’t heeelp it”’s in the world. Friends! If someone is not into you, they have failed the first task and do not get to continue in the Triwizard Tournament! Please stop fucking crying over them and move on to…

Also weird because: boning your dad was presumably not on the menu for him? And presumably he’d already seen a picture of you at least and decided that you were bone-able? So the relative attractiveness of your dad is not really relevant?

This is why I’ve determined that my “type” is “You’re interesting enough that I’m willing to risk a sore throat trying to shout over the music to have a conversation in this bar.”

On the plus side, he could’ve said all that AFTER you’d sucked his dick. I mean, no one should be a racist dickbag, but if you’re gonna be a racist dickbag, let’s get it out of the way early, you know?

So maybe now those of you who think Jeremy Renner is the epitome of hotness can lie down on the couch and share with me whatever childhood trauma is responsible for thinking this wrong thing.

To be fair, I’ve heard it in the same context as “I hate brussels sprouts, please don’t serve them to me,” which is what you’re saying, but I have also, as in the case of my co-worker, heard it said in the sense of “It’s not good for you, and therefore it shouldn’t be available to anyone,” which is ridiculous. Same…

Being wrong became a moral failing when you decided to get rude with someone who was better informed than you. Tell Buzz Aldrin that he didn’t go to the moon and you get punched in the face. Tell me that your lack of empathy is less than sociopathic because of some false rumor that you chose to believe, and you get…

Um I’m not sure you’re aware but she’s a KARDASHIAN and that means we will be sent to Guantanamo if we don’t jump to tear her throat out for cutting her toenails wrong.

You’re not alone, but neither is any other pitchfork-weilding moron in a mob, so congratulations I guess?

She didn’t bring a camera crew to the hospital, which is what you said. The fact that you’re Super Mad that she’s on a TV show you don’t like is dumb and maybe you should grow up!

It may look like I’m on a high horse from where you’re swimming in the gutter, but I assure you it’s just a matter of perspective.

Because we all know that grown men are incapable of making their own choices, so the fallout of those choices are the wives’ faults.

This red herring has already been debunked, but fish around in your toilet bowl again and see if you can come up with something better!

This red herring has already been debunked, but fish around in your toilet bowl again and see if you can come up with something better!

This red herring has already been debunked, but fish around in your toilet bowl again and see if you can come up with something better!

This red herring has already been debunked, but fish around in your toilet bowl again and see if you can come up with something better!