Only four people in my friends’ group has gotten married so far (and each to someone else in the group, so two weddings total) and I didn’t give either of them a gift. For the first one, we were 4 months out of college and I hadn’t gotten a job yet, and for the second, I had come back from living in Sudan for a year…

I think it’s because they’re soft-soled, so if you don’t pick up your feet they get sucked in quickly, but they’re closed-toed, so you don’t think too hard about foot safety wearing them, and they’re harder to get out of than a flip-flop.

So being elevator-mangled does have its upside, is what you’re saying.

Um perhaps you have not considered fully how much Kristen McQueary really, really needs more access to fro-yo and artisanal popsicles. All that real-estate in Chicago being wasted by the poors, when she knows just the place for the cutest little bistro! Also, a man on the subway scared her once and she would prefer…

The only really defensive person I have to deal with on the regular is my mother, for whom every suggestion that things could be different (not necessarily better, just different) is a call for an all-out nuclear annihilation of the enemy, which is now you, you fucking traitor, and I can also say that in some cases,…

I’m not sure if you’ve considered this, but once they get rid of all the inconvenient corpses of drowned brown people, she knows this place that would be just perfect for a pop-up cupcake shop!

Kristen McQueary would like you to know that she was not referring to black people whose gross income averages more than $200,000 per annum, and demands to know what the big fucking deal is, anyway, she totally has black friends.

So you can’t really SAY “I wish a giant flood would come and kill all the poor and the brown,” but you can say it without saying it and an editor will give you a pat on the back and the green light. Good to know.

I was shocked to see that child sex abuse has such a short statue of limitations in so many places - when things like that happen, it can take so long for young victims to really grasp what happened to them. While I can see the logic of having some statute of limitations in adult abuse cases (not saying I agree with…

When I worked in a busy museum, one of my coworkers told a story about a kid in Crocs getting his shoe sucked into the escalator, and while they were able to free him, he lost a toe. There’s a lot of stuff in the world that’s mostly not worth worrying about, but escalators are at least worth treating with caution.

I feel like having a heel or sandal strap or whatever break and having to limp around all the way home is something that only happens to you once before you make sure to bring your alternate arrangements with you at all times. Since I doubt this is Ms. McCaffrey’s first time at the rodeo, I suspect she had her gym…

Pretending to care about movies or music. Now I just admit I’m a robot - my favorite entertainment-input is the book. I like some music, and I like some movies, but I don’t care enough about them as a whole to spend any time keeping up with what’s current.

It is apparently true: The kids today have all gone soft, and the people of yesteryear were infinitely more hardcore.

Your true love is never going to come home from sea with that attitude.

I can’t tell if Twitter is pointless because 140 characters is not enough for anyone to say things worth reading (after “IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL” it has only been downhill) or if I am just too old to “get it.”

I’m turning 30 this year and I’m already jumping the gun and saying that’s my age. It just adds a little gravitas to things, I’m so excited for it to actually happen (it helps that I’m going on a dream vacation over my birthday, it totally knocked out any potential woe-is-me feelings that might have arisen).

Not to be all “my parents beat me with an electrical cord every Tuesday at 8 sharp and I turned out fine” about it, but millions of people eat things including sandwiches and yogurt that have been packed cool in a closed container for more the 2 hours and they are fine. If you really must slap an ice pack around it,…

I think the easiest way to overcome the insanity about abortions is the same way we (slowly, and still with work to do) largely overcame the insanity about homosexuality: by normalizing the thing.

Considering how it concluded that with my reading speed of 315 words per minute, it would take me 0 hours and 0 minutes to finish In Search of Lost Time, Volumes 1-7, I’m not sure how seriously to take this.

Because nothing that was good at home is going to go bad in 3 hours at room temperature in a sealed container.