ahh Texas, well they are lucky he didn’t shoot them as they passed being a good guy with a gun that can’t stop picking at his ass. Did anyone notice the old fuck trying to pick the underwear out of his ass crack? Gross.

That’s what the shaker of cheese is for, you pile that stuff on and let the parm soak up the grease, that’s the joy of pizza. Let’s face it you’re not looking for a healthy meal if you ordered it in the first place it’s like those people that order a double cheeseburger extra large fries and a diet soda, those people…

how cute when generations collide and pop references are misunderstood, the lady with the “i don’t drink water you know what fish do in it” is a reference to W C Field’s who said in the 30’s — ‘I don’t drink water. Fish fuck in it.’ The young waitress never having been exposed to old cinema didn’t get the joke. The…

My sister gave me the best sex advise, she said go down on her and don’t stop until she pushes your head away. So far it’s been a winner!

I’m fat my fiance is hot and I am not rich. She loves me I love her sex is great, we laugh all the time together, in fact she complains her cheeks hurt from laughing so much sometimes. Life is good. Before her I got laid all the time, never been an issue, maybe it is a quality of my self assured personality and my…

why oh why li-lo do I still think you’re hot!? Crazy in the head crazy in the bed I guess is my thing...

You gave up BCO? While true Brinks stock has gone down a slight bit in the last month I still think it’s a strong company and a hold not a sell at this point. Why being pregnant would make you sell stock is beyond me though.

This works in an oven broiler, just cook the underside for 10 mins flip bird put on brick cook for 30- 45 mins depending on size of bird, you can also ask your butcher to butterfly the chicken for you

you’re a real smart ass, I like that!

It’s like the 50’s promise of jet packs, sounds cool but unrealistic

“This is good, because everyone who uses Twitter is a fucking sociopath.” you said this and you use twitter? I don’t use twitter btw.

My maternal grandmother, whom my mother referred to as Sarah Bernhardt of suburbia, due to her melodramatic histrionics, was prone to complaining about almost everything. One day mother was driving grandmother somewhere and me and my brother, who was about 4 at the time were in the back seat. After about 20 mins of…

If you picked me up and did all that AND Keb Mo was playing I’d kiss you on the cheek and say “Best girlfriend ever”

Well at least they didn't call you Spotted Dick

My Mom was that quick she could insult somebody so sweetly that they would thank her afterwards not realizing what she said was no compliment. Must have been the Irish blood being raised in the south.

had a similar encounter and I replied “Yes and tomorrow I can go on a diet, but your unique brand of ugly is forever.”

ahh Heinlein when my contemporaries in 6th grade were reading A Wrinkle In Time, I was engaged with Stranger In A Strange Land. No wonder I'm so weird.

https://www.google.com/…/@48.9972768,…Proof that Canadian Cows are set to invade America. Get your bbq’s and forks and knives ready!

I was bartending at a bar I co-owned when one of the customers got a little too drunk loud and obnoxious and I refused to serve her anymore. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" She screams at me at full volume. "I WANT TO TALK TO THE OWNER OR MANAGER RIGHT FU*KING NOW!!" spit flying arms flailing. Ok I say and I walk into the…

yep, makes a great tool to bury the people you killed with carabiner brass knuckles