I hear White House doctors are working on the technology to embed a teleprompter directly into Trump’s brain. They are also working on the ancillary technology that stimulate the section of his brain that contains the taste of Diet Coke when he stays on message.

This is so perfect it hurts.

Sometimes heroes are pudgy white guys wearing khaki’s....

In the photos everyone in the “crowd” is wearing suits - as in they are all the media and White House staffers.

Just to reiterate. . .

I’m not even sure how many Eagles fans were there. One of the reporters covering the event asked six people in attendance who the Eagle’s quarterback was in the Superbowl. None of the six knew the answer. I’m guessing once the Eagles were disinvited, all the Eagles fans peaced out as well so they filled the events…

Trump brings up the black unemployment rate so often that, as a black person with a job, I wish I could quit it just so he couldn’t call me an accomplishment.

started transcribing him as close to verbatim as I thought I could get away with

If you really want your brain to explode, go back to Sarah Sanders today replying to a reporter that standing up for the national anthem is more important than free speech. My head freaking exploded.

“Lowest Hispanic numbers in the history of our country. Lowest numbers for women in 21 years.”

Well, he is the Commandurine Chief, after all.

Give him a break. He correctly identified the sun. I didn’t think he had it in him.

Give it up with all this standing bullshit, it’s so exhausting. Can’t believe anyone believes the shit that comes out of his mouth:

30 seconds? Fuck, I usually check out 10 seconds into any clip with him in it.

It was his Andy Kaufman tribute.

I do closed captioning for a living, and except for unusual circumstances, like a first person testimony about something like the Holocaust or Rawandan genocide, where you transcribe every stammer, false start, and filler word, you clean up people’s speech as you go, not just eliminating those things but also…

This is the funniest thing I have seen in a while but because I cannot look at him longer than 30 seconds, I am not sure how it ends. I’m sure he sticks the landing.

The only problem with the above is that he should have looked at it for way, way longer. Preferably long enough for his orange exterior to begin to melt and slough off.

“We proudly stand for our glorious nation under God” doesn’t sound like the dictatorial ravings of a fascist at all. No sir, not here. No expectation of blind deference to authority in this democracy. Just some good ol’ fashioned singin’ and salutin’.

What a spineless, silver spooned, bone spurred messy little bitch.