Troll level: 8,427,331.

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I find it hard to believe that there isn’t a tape of him out there in the universe using racial slurs. And I find it hard to believe that that tape won’t surface in the next six months. What happens after that, however, is hard to say. People just don’t seem to give a shit about what he does.

If America can fail, Bill Simmons can fail, too.

Phrasing.

How old are you? Like twelve? You’re twelve, aren’t you?

This just in! Random internet commenter tells other random internet commenter about the reality of things.

What’s even more deeply upsetting is that apparently some people haven’t figured out that this has been going on for years.

Fun fact: Ken Holtzman pitched a no-hitter without striking out a single batter. Did it against Atlanta in 1969.

Counterpoint: No.

Dude needs a little work with the teleprompter.

please please please please please let this start an epic war of passive-aggressive baked goods between LeBron James and Steph Curry

If a hot take on David S. Pumpkins is the best you can do with everything there is to write about in the world today, you’re doing a bad job.

Clinton, Trump, Warren, Sanders, Doink the Clown—it doesn’t matter who the next president is going to be. The military-industrial complex would be vastly more influential and powerful than any of them. C’mon now.

<crosses fingers>

Nailed it.

Agreed. It’s not like she’s from Gurnee or Bloomington or Rockford (or Dixon, where Ronald Reagan was from, btw). That 100% counts as part of Chicagoland.

Well, do Blackhawks fans have a reputation for being insanely obnoxious? Not really (although the clapping during the anthem (in other stadiums) rubs me the wrong way a bit). Were Bulls fans insanely obnoxious during the 1990s? Not really? They just sang Whoop there it Is a whole bunch, if I recall correctly. Then…

Montero won me over by coming up with the slogan “We are good” last year, but this just further cements the legend.

Go ahead and file Daniel Murphy under “Baseball players I have no good reason to hate but hate for some reason anyway”