But my daughter isn’t a devious, lying, amoral bitch.

Did you say bees?

I’m sorry, but you seem to be confusing “Evangelicals” with “Christians” again.

The next protest needs to take place at Sessions’ hollow tree

In some cases, people crossing the border are actually given extra children.

This just in: We have a report that the Minnesota Skyscraper Raccoon has been assassinated. We’re going to follow this story all night if we have to...

soon

When that happens everyone on the base will get to choose between ham and cheddar on white bread or cheddar and ham on white bread.

I believe you mean the dreaded candiru!

Every droid’s walking around with ‘wash me’ wiped into the grime on its back.

dude, really? crossfit doesn’t mean you gotta try to fit yourself up on a cross, ya know.

Politics and your personal acceptance threshold for corruption aside, how can anybody look at, or listen to this guy and not come away thinking he’s a buffoon?  What a ridiculous clown this president is.  

I met Jesus outside Shanny O’Gannigans in west Philly in 1982.

Soon you’ll find D batteries in your pocket with no idea how they got there!

You know Trump’s serious when starts to replace the Keebler Elf with either Little Debbie, Famous Amos, or Mrs. Fields.

thats how it starts and if you are not careful next thing you know you are eating horse shit