"If you had any compassion you'd let me kill myself." "I'm dialing 911." Wednesday was hard, but the guilt today is crushing. I love wife, I try to be compassionate, I just don't really disagree with her. Let me be clear, my wife has had years of chronic, deep depression mixed with anxiety and flavored with a healthy…

I've briefly considered printing my resume on one of those Hallmark cards that plays a tune: Baby Elephant Walk, but that's impractical, like the male orgasm —it's too in your face. I have some pretty good job experience, I write okay cover letters and resumes, and I pass the base level of qualifications when I apply…

Models, douchebags, brahs things are terrible, yo. You, or worse Your Lady, might be getting fat, but not because of the disgusting things going in your mouthholes, but for the most awesome things going in your nose holes! Science researchers from the Houstoniest of Universities, The University of Houston, TX (The…

90210 meets Different Strokes w/Rebel Wilson as Molly Fosters —a young girl who has to fit into her new school, fit into her new family, and try to fit into a new healthful lifestyle! Dream information gleaned from recorded brain waves of America's Most Beloved Misogynist and Anti-Semite's frozen head* is proud to…

Well, it's been a little over an hour after DC's first legal 4:20. Morbidly Jolly gathered twenty of the first cloudy thoughts from politicians, dealers, stoners, and pundits who may or may not be in DC possibly high as shit or not:

David is 20 and a motherfucking genius. He has turned his Shoppe of Photo into a fathouse mirror from which I cannot turn away for so many reasons. If the purpose of Art is to provide a text for fruitful interpretative actions —this dude Arted the fuck out of sexualized representations of women in the media. I have…

Look, fat people will tell you right away: every body hates fatties, and there's always some gadget or magic diet or panacea to fix what's ailin' us. There's belts (oh belts). There's bypass (oh bypass) but behold the modern Profattheus: See what our science has wrought!

The soft D vitamin in milk might help cure the soft D on your type 2 beetus man. It appears that, while being overweight definitely helps us move down the metabolic train towards unbalanced blood sugar town, a deficiency in vitamin D can also move you from diabet-es to diabet-us. Medical Daily reports:

Let me tell you the straight dope. We. Have. Lost. The. War. On. Drugs. The Presidoesn't has a drone joy stick in one hand and a 'dro joint stuck in the other. Our previous leader —from a good family— was not willing to discuss to which side he would or would not pass the dutchie. The one before that —between bouts…

Thanksgiving is about friends, family and getting toasted… nicely toasted. This is the recipe to get you there:Colorado Ganja Gravy straight from the Wild West where you can buy it legally and trade it for tasty tacos on Green Friday. Turkey is one fatty bird, and that animal fat is the secret to a tryptophantastic…

What's good for the goose is good for the gamer, so I want to ratfuck this horrible "movement" so hard, you guys. The Gawker mainpage had to apologize, advertisers are being lost from this site and others, and this is all because some people who don't leave their basement are utilizing the anonymity of these tubes to…

If we really do want to open a fake fake abortion clinic we'll need to raise money. I believe that happens on these here tubes in the forms of crowd sourcing accounts and fake websites and the like. This would be fun, but people could trace the money back to us. That would make siphoning off conservative money…

This is just some simple class jamming to fuck with people trying to steal the right to bodily autonomy from half of the population. I'm sure you've read about fake abortion clinics. They're the "pregnancy crisis centers" that use your tax dollars to help steal your rights; I want us to steal their money.

In 1967 in Philly, UPenn tortured a lot dogs. You see Martin Seligman and Steven Maier had an idea, "Let's rig up some dogs." And the dogs were rigged: A control group, a group that got electrocuted and had a level that –when pushed—could stop the electrocutions and a third group that had a level that could not stop…

Olds and racists often say things like, "You made it all about race." Well, that's because America's racist history touches everything in this current age, and it extends back —apparently— to a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away:

You have to love some people's ability to just scam you. I mean, the sheer gall of these people: they brought their website all the way from 1997 to let us know that we can live again in, like, 2297. The Time Travel Fund has your back in the future, and for ten bucks they will take you or a friend or a loved one (even…