What do you mean, *like* he ate a big ol plate of pasta between each quarter? That’s half his warm-up routine.

In the 11 games the Thunder have played since the break, he’s attempting nearly twice as many threes per game (8.7) as he was before it (4.7), and making a healthy 38.5 percent of them, compared to the gruesome 24.9 percentage he carried into the break.

It would be very on-brand for North Korea to get its nukes off, only to aim the bomb at Cleveland.

and bluntly criticizing his teammates with Lil Wayne sitting next to him.

No, you don’t understand! Dolan MUST be a good owner, because he’s got powerful media members like Bill Simmons trying to sabotage his team! Everyone is scared of Dolan...but they respect him...and also, they are secretly a little aroused whenever they see him.

Nice to see someone is finally making Lyle and Ray’s Perfect Js a reality.

Nice to see someone is finally making Lyle and Ray’s Perfect Js a reality.

Also, the Boomers can’t remember them anymore. “It’s like Jack Nicholson said in Five Easy Pieces...shit, what was it? Something about tuna salad, maybe? ‘Here’s Jay Leno?’ Anyway, back to gloating about how I’ll be dead by the time you guys are killing each other for drinking water.”

I hope Macy didn’t know about this. Partly because I’d hate to think badly of him, but mostly because I keep picturing him sort of following after Huffman, stammering about how all this money disappeared from the checking account, “Two, uh, two hundred thousand dollars, and, uh, well I’m sure you know, that- that’s a…

I’m honestly surprised there was that much money to be gained by going across the bay. Are the billionaires too afraid to drive have their drivers take them into Oakland or something?

How could everybody love Raymond when they had a natural stretch-4 in the family, just sitting at his parents’ house waiting to be appreciated?

Got some bad news for you: turns out it was 1984 Belgium, and they weren’t “Nazis” so much as “public transport drivers.”

“You don’t have to be Jewish to love Levy’s, but we’d prefer it if you at least weren’t Meghan McCain.”

I believe the traditional term is “grave puppeteer.”

Paul Millsap isn’t getting enough credit for his timing on rushing the ball like that. If he’d waited one more second, LeBron would have picked it up; if he’d rushed one second earlier, LeBron would’ve had the space to collect the ball without rolling it out of bounds.

Takes like this are the best, because they reaffirm that Lakers fans will maintain Lakers exceptionalism long after they have fallen into basketball hell: “Oh, Denver? I thought you meant REAL NBA teams, like the one that is currently in line to get the 13th pick in the draft.”

His shoulder happens to be attached to a brain that is having some serious psychological issues, but which also has absorbed too much of the cultural stigma around mental health treatment to admit that it needs help.

Chalk up one more piece of evidence for the “Did Michael Jackson Hereditary his soul into Corey Feldman after dying?” theories.

Burneko’s worries about being hit by a bus, when combined with his well-documented semi-rural lifestyle on the edge of civilization, make me think that he probably owns the house from Pet Sematary.

I never claimed that Fahrenheit wasn’t defined by the freezing and boiling points of water; I claimed that it represents a narrower range of temperature between 0 and 100. Or “stated” would probably be the better verb, because it indisputably does. Trying to foist a claim upon me that I never made doesn’t speak well…

“What can I say about the Lakers that has not already been said about Afghanistan?”