Next time I see a guy in cargo pants I’m going to force him to build me a house. I mean, walking around looking all probably-owns-a-hammer...what did he think would happen? #CarpenterLookingAssBitch.

I am confused. Why would I force a person to play basketball with me if he/she was dressed like a basketball player? Does that happen? Forced basketballery?

I don’t think Elizabeth Warren is boy-crazy, Steinem. I don’t think far-left women are boy-crazy. I think they’re just socialist.

Post-wine texted this to the ex-husband who keeps contacting me

Also, those words are not solely or even most commonly defined that way. A telephone is shrill. An alarm clock. Intentionally choosing gendered shit to express a non-gendered adjective is irresponsible. Let people learn their bias from their shitty parents, as is tradition.

It is a crime that Shemar Moore is not included on this list, so I’m gifting him to the commentariat here. By far, the best combination of perfect head shape and man eyebrows on the planet. I rest my case, and I don’t even care that the picture is so huge.

MARK I THOUGHT YOU MEANT THAT THE LADY THEY BURIED WAS SOMEHOW ALIVE UNDERGROUND FOR FORTY FUCKING YEARS

ladies be emotioning

I miss Undressed so bad.

we are not worthy of dogs

no i am annoying af