A coin is also way easier to keep on your desk or mantle as a symbol of your triumph over your enemy. I know I’d be tempted to do that, and Taylor Swift is a hell of a lot better at holding grudges than I am.

Stupid, Groping Dude: “I know! I’ll shame her by giving her a coin with a famous woman on it! Derp, derp.”

The last thing you see before you die? No.


The first thing you see after you die.

I saw one with cheese the other day and I got unreasonably excited. Then I learned that there were only four different kinds of cheese on a rotation for 24 days. No, cheese advent calendar, I want 24 different goddamn cheeses!

Actually, you dont need to do anything with Emergency SOS to deactivate Touch ID. Once you press the hold button 5 times, and then hit cancel, it will automatically require the passcode and will not accept Touch ID to unlock your phone.

When you pay with card but tip in cash, it’s a good idea to write in “cash” on the receipt where you’d write in the tip amount. Don’t most people do this?!?! Also a good idea to give the cash with the signed receipt.

That’s why I spend all day, every day in my basement apartment knitting cat sweaters out of old, dried tampon fibers while gently weeping and watching the opening sequence to Mary Tyler Moore on repeat. Because I’m a real feminist.

Yay for Mindy Kaling! I’m always happy to see other new moms in my age bracket out there because (selfishly) it makes me feel less self-conscious about being an older mom.

Remember how people were saying there was really no difference between him and Hillary and millions of women believed it?

My nine-year-old randomly asked about this movie the other day. I told him they canceled it, but it might show up on Netflix in a year or so (when I won’t have to endure it). I got out of the Minions and Angry Birds movies the same way.

Oh I bet she handed it to him in the private meetings. When the reporter asks if they discussed NATO and Trump takes a sec, and then he says “Talked about many things” you can tell he’s pissed oh I hope she said something witty and cutting and smart and it sticks in his orange craw for all eternity.

Now that President Obama has moved on, it’s actually nice to see the new leader of the free world sitting in the Oval Office, and also Donald Trump.

I strongly feel the need for a Michelle Obama Barbie with all her iconic gowns.

Honey? Have you seen my key to the Internet?... It's a card... It has a little gold thing thing on it. Someone wrote on it in Sharpie... I don't know why they wrote on it... Yes, that does seem like an odd thing to do. Please, honey, focus. Have you seen it? It's importa... No, I'm not being short with you....…