I read your quote in Johnny Cash's voice and it worked much better.

I kept waiting for someone to jump a motorcycle over a fence!

They already made a biopic of Michael Jackson called Moonwalker and it was great. Did everyone already forget the history of how Jackson turned into a giant robot to defeat Frankie "Mr. Big" LiDeo?

Make an art-house followup about Navi and it'll win a film festival grand prize.

Ha, you're old too now.

You're never too late for that. I mean, this is the AV Club.

Macaulay Culkin is the Godfather of the Culkin Family now, they run the pizza rackets in gentrified parts of Brooklyn, Queens, and the Lower East Side.

This seemed just like extremely broad satire…it's not like he was playing him in a serious biopic. Also, is Paris Jackson actually biologically related to Michael Jackson?

Where are these data centers? We've got a burgeoning data center industry in the Pacific Northwest powered by our cheap, clean and renewable hydro power. Unfortunately the dams ruined a lot of the native salmon runs, but hey…

The people of San Escobar love Poland!

No, it's actually revenge for Red Heat.

"Candy Girl" - New Edition

I'll just buy that locally distilled vodka made by hippies with Cascade mountain springwater—-it tastes like just about every other vodka I've had.

Не волнуйтесь, ничего увидеть здесь…oops, I mean hello American AV Club! Just your old pal Tony Stogranoff Macaroni.

They have way better 80s sweaters and glasses than today, other than that, pretty close.

He's going for a whole Lionel Hutz thing this time.

"Russian tea rooms"

impeachement cobbler

Jack In The Box?

Shower beer is a waste of time, just take a bottle of Wild Turkey, gets the job done much faster.