"Girl, tidy up your bed before you turn your webcam on. There's three day old socks lying there. And unplug those hair straighteners, that's a fire hazard right there."

I try to insert a phallus into conversation at least once a day.

Surely the people taking selfies there would the cue to lose the last, last, last remnant of hope?

Sometimes diarrhea does come out green, perhaps due to an overdose of laxatives.

Good god, you're a saint.

The shift key is a myth invented by Cosmopolitan.

Oh! So "simple typing skills" … it's not a keyboard she's tapping, is what you're saying.

Rang-dang-doo? Sounds a little close to Whimmy-whim-wham-whozzle.

Katherine, don't make me get out the leeches again …

Depends on the stone. Hiyooo!

Johnson?

Not a bad idea that. Do you know how long it usually is until they discount?

Just scroll down. Or up. Ya ken whit I mean.

Full of protein!

Too low! Lower.

Oh, it was just an example because I've never really had the same feelings for anyone else.

Oh, god, it will be a million times worse when he calls you and lets you know about this new person he's started seeing.

"1000 nicknames for our meat darts yet so few for that spot that's near the top of the vulva …" So true, old bean.

Hm. Something something shove a pineapple up their bum.

Aw. I thought you were going to talk about porn.