Are you me?? My friends always tell me I’m just too picky and I’m like okay tell me which one of the guys I’ve seen in the past 4 years I should be dating.

Dammit this was my idea and people told me it was dumb and that nobody would pay for that. I’ve already given like 10 away for free!

I wonder if all the people hollering about Obama’s vacations and golf outings are upset about this expenditure?

My dog is better

I was 30 actual seconds late for work one day and the boss called me while I was getting out of my car to tell me to go home. They regularly sent people home without pay as punishment. I didn’t stay there long.

An older, male co-worker put his hand on my shoulder while I was showing him something on my computer the other day and I involuntarily flinched. I also happened to switch my desk so my back wasn’t to the door anymore shortly after that. The next time he came in my office he was like “oh I hope that’s not because of…

Is this real?? I can’t tell anymore.

Every time I visit my brother and his three adorable girls I get strep throat.

This is SO true!

“it’s all words..all soundbites” prceeds to spew words and soundbites

I keep bread in the fridge cause it’s super humid here in southern Louisiana and I live alone. I can’t eat the bread fast enough before it grows mold, so in the fridge it must stay. I pretty much only eat toast for that reason.

I came home from college and ran into a guy from my neighborhood who used to babysit me back in the day. I was 19 at the time and he was in his mid-20's probably? He was housesitting for the parents of a girl I was friends with while young, and we ended up fucking on her parents bed. Their dog watched the entire time.…

You completely missed the part where they also will make plush SLIPPERS that look exactly like your pet, which I find even more amazing/ridiculous. $200 slippers... worth it.

She the gifteriest grifter to ever have grifted. Also I want to force feed her pedialyte, she looks hungry af. Maybe that’s why she’s always so angry and mean.

No love for Jean Lafitte National Park and Barataria Preserve? Boo. Once again Lamestream Media™ ignoring Louisiana.

Similarly, I’ve always wanted to throw an NRA gun rights protest with all black men open carrying. But I’d be too scared for people’s reactions.

If anyone wants to give me $40 mil I will also fuck right off. You’ll never have to see me again.

I went to college with G-Eazy!

He’s the best, isn’t he?

Holy shit. Yes.