Wow, that's a grody canker, isn't it? Anyway, Michigan and Notre Dame are still battling it out and USC and Ohio State comes later, so consider this your open thread. And oh, I have a fun story for y'all!

Have you ever been to Auburn? No? Well, I have, and IT SUCKS! Which is why, in order to "attract" recruits, the program has to dispatch its illiterate boosters to harass the nation's top prep talent into signing with them.

After numerous Big Ten teams barely escaped being upset by non-conference underdogs last week, the ax dropped today with Michigan State falling to Central Michigan while Wisconsin and Northwestern barely got by Fresno State and Eastern Michigan at home.

Yesterday we learned that Sean Salisbury was fired from his gig at a Dallas radio stadium, allegedly for more cellphone/dong photo hijinks. The Dallas Morning News spoke to Salisbury about his departure, and he tells a different story, naturally.

Thomas Cetnar, an ex-cop convicted of stealing drug money, owns the Newark Bears, a minor league team managed by Tim Raines. Cetnar ejected three teenagers for not standing during "God Bless America." They're now suing him in federal court.

I was out last night so I didn't catch Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame induction speech until this morning, but it was pretty damn classic and incredibly moving, and no one seemed more moved by it than MJ himself.

Occasionally a sport comes along that truly defines its era. Fittingly, as Barack Obama prepares to invade the South with an army of homosexuals who will sodomize every Republican's children and pets, cornholing is suddenly all the rage.

Every now and then someone will dig up a long lost video clip from the past that's so amazing in every way that you have to watch it multiple times to confirm it's real. This is one of those videos.

Just because we're never afraid to be too servicey, here's a rundown of some notable televised sporting events today, starting with college football.

A San Diego judge has ruled that no charges will be filed against Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman for allegedly choking and restraining notorious internet trollop Tila Tequila.

Richard Seymour has agreed to play for the Raiders this season and is expected to suit up for the team Monday night against the Chargers. We think Seymour's wife Tanya will fit right in with the Oakland Coliseum fans. [ESPN]

Okay, so I'm this internet creature known as Cajun Boy and I'm guest-editing this here site today. Perhaps you've seen me around on Gawker, Animal, my dumb blog, my dumb Twitter, etc. Also, I got my first tattoo last night!

Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to tips@deadspin.com. Subject: Morning crap.

Cameron Diaz and Keanu Reeves are allegedly dating, Spencer Pratt wants to be the next Brad Pitt, Michael Jackson's gay lover speaks, Hayden Panettiere is dating the Pink Taco dude, Lindsay Lohan loses her phone and Penelope Cruz gets thicker.

For the first time in decades the super-rich are suddenly not getting richer anymore. In fact, they're becoming poor! Take John McAfee for example, whose $100-million fortune has now dwindled down to a measly $4-million.

Ever since Jeremy Piven almost died from eating sushi and had his corpse turned into a thermometer by David Mamet, the world has been wondering, "How are Piven's mercury levels doing like these days?" Well, now we know.

Steven Baldoni, a hair stylist from Paris, sunbathes in the oppressive heat yesterday in Bryant Park. [AP/Bebeto Matthews]

Arthur Frommer, the founder of the handy Frommer's Travel Guide empire, announced that he's personally boycotting the state of Arizona after seeing a bunch of wingnuts openly packing heat at an Obama speech earlier in the week.

What's happened to America's movie stars in the summer of 2009? A slew of boldface names have opened films this summer and most of them have tanked hard. Some people are blaming Twitter, but the answer is really quite simple.