I was returning to my building a while ago with a nice block of cheddar and some crackers to enjoy with my beer tonight. I walked into the entryway right behind a fairly attractive woman about my age. When we got to the security door she started fumbling around in her purse presumably for her keys when I said from…

@Gottliebs Cards: I don't swerve and risk potential injury to myself for an animal. This sounds harsh but it is how I feel.

I am easily offended by sites which I know will offend me, dammit.

@Theodore Donald Kerabatsos: With this crowd you may be better off asking for members of the "jacked it in a port-o-let" club.

@See you suckers later: No, but that is excellent.

I finally got sick of looking at the empty fishbowl up on my shelf the other night so I went to the pet shop and picked out a nice blue Betta. I've had several Bettas over the years but this little guy doesn't seem to be doing so good. He's very lethargic, he won't eat and he's just sitting at the bottom of the bowl.…

@gulag: Twitter is great, if you mention Stephon Marbury's name he will respond to you. He's like a bat-shit crazy Red Headed Stepchild.

@JohnnyDrinky: That's something both a Packers fan and a Bears fan can agree with, buddy.

@JohnnyDrinky: If we can't laugh at ourselves who can we laugh at?

@JohnnyDrinky: A big fat fan with an annoying accent. Which fan base am I talking about?

@Hatey McLife: He had some concerns about getting jacked for the 12K.

@Phintastic: I couldn't help it...

They didn't want to call him Chuck Norris. It's just that all the other nicknames had run away in fear.

Toyota "Movin orward."

Das Booty Call

@Delonte, Interrupted: Have you ever seen those machines on the walls of bars that you put a quarter in and get your BAC? Ever have a contest to see who could blow the highest? No? Oh, me neither then.

@Eddie Murray Sparkles: Oh Deere...

@titansfan78: +1 LaToya Jackson spread with the giant boa constrictor. Why do I remember that?

@David Hume: Same here, it doesn't always happen and I have no idea when it will. (Although sleep deprivation is a trigger for me.) I've read a few stories similar to the one in that link—it's scary shit. How many trips or parties have you avoided because it meant sleeping at someone elses place and possibly…

Anon's experience and fear is all too familiar for me. I've done all kinds of crazy shit while sleeping. Once I woke up, shouted at my then-girlfriend to stop "looming" over me and punched her in the ankle. I didn't remember that one but she showed me the bruise in the morning. She didn't even have it coming either.