Thank you for telling us the “acceptable” way to fight for our fucking lives.

I accidentally left a pair of worn panties on the sink in a hotel room. I meant to go back and get them and put them with my dirty laundry, but I forgot. When I got back to my room that afternoon they were in the same spot, but neatly wrapped in a beautifully folded packet of paper towels.

Totally OT, but I get ragey when people do that at the end of the month.

Botox. Seriously.

I used to work at that McDonald’s, and I’m telling you - that wasn’t tartar sauce.

You hope it was tartar sauce.

Plus you know it’s patently false. A big fan would give him a moment’s peace.

Damn you, now I have to go Youtube that damn song, and let a single tear down my cheek when she tries on the red dress.

Ummmm..... Do I have to use it just for poop, tho? I mean - can I use it just for funsies?

The likelihood of your bearing the emotional weight of something happening to her child is nil. Parenting is hard work. Instead of jumping on a mother struggling to the twenty-leven tasks she’s got queued up for today, how about you just resolve to offer a hand to the next parent you see trying to manage the…

When I moved into my first apartment, I don’t know which was worse: the terrified screams of my neighbor with dementia, the casual indifference of the building staff, or the fact that I eventually became deaf to it.

In the days of the Roman Empire, a Roman citizen could travel the Empire safely, because any harm done to them would be punished swiftly and viciously.

I’ll just leave this here for you, jackass: http://www.nyc.gov/html/cchr/html…

If what I’m doing in the back of your cab is legal, then you can tell me to stop all you want. You can also suck a box of dicks.

Oh, no - I believe 1) people should be compensated well for having to interact with me and my weirdness related to food, and 2) our entire restaurant economic system is fucked and depends entirely on the economic exploitation of wait staff, which I don't want to collude in.

Whether I can understand the thinking or not, I just can't understand the SAYING. Why would you say some shit like that to a person handling your food? "Hey, BTW, you should be doing more with your life than running to the kitchen to get me more ice tea. Also, I'd like more ice tea."

OK, truth time.

But, but, but... it is EXACTLY free if she gives it to you.

Knowledge of Tinsley Mortimer is like buying jewelry - if you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.

Why did the groom need a loaded gun at his wedding? What kind of family were these people expecting?