I AM ALL HERE FOR THIS.

Aubrey “I pay a lot of coin for this constant fucking coverage” Plaza perhaps?

If you’re so tired of talking about it, then why did you create this article?

Darling little SlapperboxFromHerpes:  shut up, dear, and let the men talk.  You’ll be told your opinion soon enough.

*plots to smuggle in lots of decent European butter in the New Year*

So, the boyfriend and I binged this last night. Whilst Barsanti was off plugging himself whilst worshipping at the altar of the false god Kardashian, I was gleefully mocking one key aspect of this show. Are you ready? Strap your tits, bitches...

Rob, my little thicko - BBC wouldn’t have a problem with teenagers having sex. You’re forgetting...this is the BBC. We’re not the prudes here, the Yanks are (always have been, always will be, always a laughing stock).  Christ, you lot can’t even look at a man’s bulge without writing screeds of content about how a…

What in the mayo-chugging basic is this?  

Midweek roast?  Pshaw!  What about the Monday Roast, the Thursday Roast or the Cheeky Tuesday Roast With Extra Chicken?

Neither will my country. We always had a thriving tourism sector in Scotland and this recent trend wouldn’t be missed if it were taken away. Oh, so Kimberley and Taylor can’t rent a “traditional Scotch castle” for a weekend away? Too bad. Stay in a fucking hotel, waddlers. You’re supporting far, far more people when…

Ooh!  Yorkies!  I don’t think this lot are good enough to know the secret to a decent Yorkie.  

Elizabeth Chan? Never heard of you, sweetheart. Whatever drag-queen-mall-muzak-soundtrack hell you came from, go back there. Mariah is iconic. You’re only worthy of mockery, as Willam so deftly proves...

Yours isn’t so much a trademark as it is a “local element of folklore and accepted mythology (or “Lore” in Fat Basic) that counts as intangible evidence towards a United Nations designation that you spend more time with your legs akimbo than shut”.

Yes, but you’ll have fun, Timmy!

I admit - I cackled at the lemon juice snipe.  I’ve got an idiot cousin who would probably do that chia seed thing (maybe I should tell her about it...) but she hates lemon juice.  Eh, I’m sure she can be persuaded to add chilli oil to it instead...

I don’t do anything too mean. I just smile, sip my absinthe and vodka and just smirk at whoever’s asking. Usually the fuckwits in my family take the hint, as in “oh jesus, he’s in one of those moods, back the fuck off, back the fuck off, save the children, etc” but if they don’t, simply channel your inner Kristin…

“Why, tonight.  Wanna watch?”

Ah, yes, the War of 1812, when we burned down your little White House.  *smirks*

You must be a real joy at parties.  Do you insist on the hausfrau passing a health inspection before you allow your clatty trainers to grace their carpets?

Swap out Emperor for my cat’s name and you’ve got my boyfriend’s battle-cry for going into Tesco.