Sometimes I wonder if they take their PR people & lock them in a basement & refuse to let them near cellphones or wifi.

All they had to say was “we appreciate you taking the time to address this matter. Our current fall line is closed, but we will address our need to expand the costume choices for girls in the near future. Thanks for being a customer.” The end. Why are people so bad at public relations?

A Muslim president would no more turn government control to sharia law than Catholic JFK turned it over to the pope—as many feared. Grow up, people. Besides, with the lack of autonomy to women, the Rs are the ones pushing for sharia-style.

My freshman year of college (about 4 years ago,) I smoked and got high for the first time, resulting in a horrific panic attack where anxiety induced physical symptoms led me to believe I was dying.

My MIL decided she was going to give my FIL a “binaca blow job.” She didn’t realize you’re supposed to spray it in your mouth, not on your husband’s cock. So she basically sprayed fire all over his junk.

I feel very similarly to this about those feet shoes.

I was working at a margarita bar on the water, so winter was slow. We relied on our regulars, a few of which were a group of late twenties bro dudes who would come in for nachos and fish bowl sized margaritas. They were generally ok, except they LOVED to flirt with all of the female staff, despite none of us being…

When I managed a Borders we were also responsible for this small calendar kiosk on the other side of the shopping center. I was there covering someone’s lunch break and this crazed woman came over demanding why we had no bichon frise calendars. The dog calendar people were always the weirdest.

Oh dear. I just know I’m going to be randomly blurting out “KAZOOOOOS!” for the rest of the day. Well played. Well played.

We’ve all been there. Mine was the one time I was shelving books at the library, wearing my work badge and (a rarity) a t-shirt with the library’s logo on it. A patron came up and asked “Do you work here?” Given that I was having a bad day and it was about the five hundredth time I had heard that question, I just sort…

I've been looking for an alligator and party hat restaurant for AGES. Now I know where to find one!

Mentioning the 9/11 gift shop always makes me think of this.

He wouldn’t ask a man the same question. That’s the problem.

Still, DON’T ACTUALLY PUNCH THEM.

Mainly, it can’t be real because it didn’t happen in Florida.

“Never loan anybody your pickup truck.” is a lesson that needs to be burned into the brains of anyone who buys a pickup. Just by it’s nature, anybody who wants to use your truck is not asking for it because they need to transport a cardboard box filled with lace dollies. They’re going to beat that thing like a rented…

That’s what I do: When I want to see Americans speaking English, I go to a kebab shop.

It’s like the universe is creating incidents just for us, only way it could have been better is if she declared that her children were allergic to green.

Is there any way Berman doesn’t have a monogrammed thermos?