You’ve found your pillow partner. Your forever friend. The person you want to share a Hyundai with for the rest of your life. Why not make the ceremony that joins you in an unbreakable flesh bond somewhat memorable and good?
If you are like me, a lonely artisan in the big city who makes crude wooden toys for a living, then all the modern trappings of dating—the break-up, “ghosting,” “benching,” Tindr, etc.—just don’t seem to cut it anymore.
The Winter Solstice is a time to put brass instruments between your lips and push air through tubes out into the endless void of night. Who hasn’t wandered out into the woods covered in the blood of a fawn to wail on a dented and ancient trombone? If work is too hectic and you don’t get time off to wander around a…
On Sunday, you lose your U.S. citizenship if you aren’t staring blankly at the television while Beyonce screams into Chris Coldplay’s mouth and the Carolina Panthers battle the Denver Broncos in synchronized acrobatics under the unblinking stares of the Real Housewives of Lincoln, Nebraska.
Today is the day we celebrate the boss. Your boss. My boss. The Boss. We’ve been doing this holiday since our ancestors were drawing crude circles into the dirt under the harvest moon. We’ve been doing this holiday since wolves were in serious contention for being the next big thing on Earth. Boss Day is a holiday…
Why do genius same clothes have? Why wear genius one clothes? Why? Never known. Always mystery. Forever. Email? Impossible without same. Genius lives genius people. Universe because of genius. Amen.
The last time the Pope came to America, there wasn’t nearly as much fanfare as there is now. Today, news outlets across the world are tracking the Pontiff’s every move, reporting his every utterance, and drawing bad pictures of him wearing roller skates in the margins of their notebooks. The last time the Pope came to…
The body is an amazing factory of squelch noises and dribbling liquids. You can do anything with the right kind of body: bend, reach, kick, fall...anything! But here’s the thing, friend: what in the world are all the bits inside of the body that make it go buzzing around the neighborhood coaxing pies from the skillful…
Anne Hathaway plays a special woman who gets to do an internship with a fashion vampire who makes a magazine happen. She does a good job and everything turns out fine.
The algae bloom had only just started about 50 miles to the west of us, out near Toledo. Our part of the lake was still safe for swimming, but you could see shimmering green bulbs floating everywhere. I tried not to get any in my mouth.
Soon you will bleach your body hair and ascend the steep temple stairs. Soon you will light the fire of your father, and his father. Soon you will hear the whispers come up from the Great Below, sending bits of bone and dried leaves skittering across the echoing banquet hall of Vyrthox, the Once Dead King. Soon you…
People are walking around every day inside of clothing and you barely notice it. Nobody ever talks about it. Well, it’s time to break the silence. Here are some items of clothing we see, but ignore, almost everyday.
The corn thirsts for harvest. The beans are floating in mid air and there isn’t a cat to be seen for miles. We’ve crested summer’s peak in America and we’re gonna slide down the other side of this sucker in our flesh sleds, enjoying gridiron views the whole way down. Welcome to America. It’s football night forever.
As death fills the streets,
Wow. So much happened. Let’s get started...
Get the salted cod and make sure you cage the baby - things are getting serious in True Detective town.
There isn’t even a single part of this that won’t waste your time.
We use them every single day. Whether we are ordering cartons of oil or filing our malfeasance reports with the ombudsman, computers are everywhere. Used to be you could walk a full mile and never come across a single computer. Now, computers are as ubiquitous as mead, and as commonly used as sledgehammers. I’m sure…
