in his defense it is hard to see what Megyn Kelly looks like behind all of the blood

ha how is one a “bad sexer”? just fanagle the sproket, twist that whowhatsit, and quickly fiddle-faddle your way to o-town. simple.

Also girls send ass pics to @Meepysheepy.

do you feel like you have lived a full life? are you left wanting? your existence has been epic, every 15-year-old’s dream. you have a family, money, youve been in zero-g, and youre definitely the coolest dad anyone could meet. what’s next? are you satisfied? i would be satisfied.

its...its like heaven

if youre on birth control, youre probably in close contact with at least one man. maybe that man is a republican. thats pretty depressing. simple.

i think they keep a list of all the dicks theyve banned from jez at one time or another so they dont ungray dicks when they make new accounts. i am one of those dicks and harbor no hope for freedom

“Katrina, do you think that that’s fair? Because people will say the same thing about you,” Lemon says. “That you’re supporting Donald Trump for fifteen minutes of fame.”

it would depend on how well i knew Donald Trump at the time. knowing then what i know now, i would realize that by “STEAKS!” he really means “frozen off-brand steaks that i stole from my contractors without paying them”

STEAKS! works on me 200% of the time

man, writing blogs for the next few weeks is going to be so easy

this month is awesome. as a lazy man, i am really loving being better than a celebrity while putting in absolutely no effort. maybe i should run for president. i could do literally nothing and still be a better person than donald trump. god i feel so good about myself right now

Apparently, once upon a time Wayne accidentally shot himself in the chest

“You gotta feel sorry for him. They had a bad day yesterday, so they’re trying to make it up. Give him a hand. When other people pour poison down your throat, don’t drink it. Give back good.”

i believe Univision’s official response was “Take me daddy.”

buried the lede

truly an exercise in fueltility

i like to believe that a dinosaur tail is pretty much the least interesting thing to see while walking around ny