It didn't help that you showed up to your day in court covered in jewelry.

Everyone's mom and dad loved Raymond. It was a broad show that appealed to the masses. That's just the kind of show that has high ratings and lasts longer than it should.

You just aren't drinking enough.

You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!

Kim Goes To Jail: An Erotic Story centers on a homophobic, small town woman who, not unlike the real-life Davis, finds herself in jail following a "dispute over religion and sexuality," according to a press release. Once incarcerated, the fictitious Kim meets a "beautiful cellmate" who is "only too eager to acclimate"…

Just throw a long dress and stringy wig on a sack of potatoes.

Laces out, Dan.

My brother and I figured out that we could shake the thermometer backwards to simulate a fever. We got to stay home from church one Sunday night and watched Ace Ventura on ABC.

Wild inconsistency was pretty standard for me growing up. I couldn't watch Ninja Turtles because they called Splinter "Master" while only God should be their master. However, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves was fine because the witch was murdered by Morgan Freeman.

Please don't tell my mom I know someone named Alien Jesus. Friendly White Jesus is the only one welcomed in their home.

He kind of doesn't ask any questions of me anymore other than how's work and whatnot. The last time he was disappointed was when I voted no on Prop 8. He told me to read the bible.

I'm sure that my mother is waiting for my unholy ways to have some sort of negative consequence.

My dad is a Pentecostal pastor and satanic panic was big in the late 80's and early 90's. I couldn't see Groundhog Day because Bill Murray called himself a god. There's a whole list of bullshit reasons I couldn't see a bunch of stuff.

Growing up I couldn't watch any movies with Angelica Huston. My parents told me that she was into witchcraft and was therefore an evil person. I don't think that I had very good parents.

🎤 The Ghostbusters are ladies now.
You won't find a dick in this group, wow.🎤

Naturally
Bulging
Cocks

Next season on NBC It's Boner Time! of Cock: That Sweet Laurel Canyon Sound. It Can be Two Things.

If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing his bit!

If you look back at them you'll turn into a pillar of salt. You'll then be ground up with various other seasonings and artificial flavors and used to flavor Doritos brand chips.

That's much better than CBS's mascot: Rocky the Rocking Chair.