It’s a long story, but I was staring at a giant inflatable chicken with one wing the other day, and I had Stevie Nicks’ Edge of Seventeen going through my mind.

The Kinks broke up the year I graduated high school, which makes me feel unbearably old. I actually have mixed feelings about this. If any halfway decent new music comes out of this I’d be shocked, but if this leads to a chance to see one of my all-time favorite bands live for the first time in my life it’ll be…

You can tell a lot about a person based on their taste in pop culture. Obviously, there are no universal truths, but if your nerdgasms come from Star Wars + Beatles, chances are, we’re pretty compatible. If your favorite Christmas song is Father Christmas by the Kinks, you’re probably my secret BFF.

Please tell me you saw this, brotherparish. This was wonderful.

Just blowing spitfire anti-dog and anti-booze takes on Deadspin where, for what it’s worth, one of the goddamned most adorable celebrity dogs is chilling.

Your favorite author continues to make your day.

I was just criticized over on Jezebel, and had a comment dismissed for “virgin shaming.”

Does anyone know of any sites that have compiled actively anti-Trump businesses? It’s one thing for a ban list to tell me not to drink Yuengling’s stale pisswater, but I want a list that also tells me why I SHOULD be enjoying a delicious Fat Tire instead.

As goes the Super Bowl, so goes life. Trump and his acolytes will always win. I vowed not to watch the game. Then I heard that Atlanta was up 21-0. So I said, “Fuck yeah, I’ll watch these evil motherfuckers lose!”

Here’s what I’m struggling with the most, on this first Official Monday of the End Times, and it’s something I’ve struggled with since That Tuesday In November: Pretending that life is normal.

This is a eulogy for America and I’m crying like a baby. We are so fucked and I already miss him so much.

In addition to quitting smoking, I’m also trying to shed a few pounds, so my lunch break now consists of running* for a half an hour and drinking a Slim-Fast afterwards.

I’ve got a bottle of champagne on ice, a bottle of sparkling white grape juice chilling for the Funklets, a case of porter chilling on the veranda for me, a case of Corona chilling on the veranda for Mrs. Funk, and I’ve got a pitcher of Bloody Mary’s hanging out in the fridge, waiting for tomorrow morning.

Between two people who have been posting the same comment to each other multiple times every day for three months.

I’ve decided that we’re all going to avoid the race wars, class wars, climate-related famine, and Chinese nuclear annihilation of the trump presidency by moving in together. Underground, in a sweet bunker.