“This your pizza?”

When that dude hit his canine

I want you to record this . . .

straight up monkey’s-paw-wish scenario’d him. damn.

Here’s the thing, though. Peter Thiel is going to keep paying opposing batters to hit the ball to that exact spot.

He must’ve been disappointed he couldn’t get one Moore out...

To be fair, he’s just a man who assaulted his wife in front of their children, it’s not like he prays to a non-white Jesus.

I was going to say an overweight Robert Redford impersonator with a shitty wig.

Wait, so a guy responsible for all of these headlines is a piece of human waste? Shocking!

I thought Beltre wasn't amused by head games

“reached 19.8 MPH on his way to the wall.”

He’s like a vacuum cleaner out there.

Ok you know what, I can count the number of people on one hand that I’ve ever called a cunt in my entire life, it’s not a word I use lightly.

C’mon Heather, if it’s not in the lede, it may as well not even exist.

Hopefully management ran this by Chris Sale first and made the necessary assurance that this isn’t about putting PR/business ahead of winning.

I’d hate to see him get scratched from yet another start because he’s lost in Chicago looking for a knife big enough to cut up Comiskey.

YESSSSSSSSSSS

Guaranteed Rate Field - Where one way or another, our ARMs will disappoint you!

“Ohhhh, it's Guaranteed Rate Field.”

You Can Put it on the board!

I can call it anything I want? Cool! I'll call it Hawk Harrelson's Hometastic Stadium of Magical Fun and Whimsy!