I watch Groundhog Day every year, and I spend about a week every February trashing Andie McDowell. She is the worst and is the one weak link in an otherwise perfect movie.

Carry on, my wayward nuns. There'll be peace when you are done.

I sent Anna Wintour a picture of me wearing my sweatpants and a Dog the Bounty Hunter t-shirt I got on sale at a Family Dollar store and asked her if it was cool if I went tonight. She told me I could wear the outfit at the Met Gala, but only if I agreed to sit with Giuliana Rancic. I turned her down.

Why do I get the feeling your list is naturally kept manageably low by your willingness to tell others how they should use their social media?

But these high end restaurants fuck it up by pairing them with cattails. I hate that high-end fusion shit. Everybody knows that unless you've had the street foods of Narnia, you aren't really having unicorn entrails.

I really can't understand how you could think the two are related. If anything, this makes me want to bring a 4 year old to fancy places just to write their reviews down. :)

Honestly, that was the restrained version of what I wanted to say. I blacked out for a few seconds after finding out that there was someone on the internet who could try to find THIS offensive.

Because it makes fun of restaurant reviewers?

Hell I wouldn't put over half those foods in my mouth now.

Kids reacting to things is my favorite thing ever because their reactions are so damn honest. It's the same reason I love kids in museums, most of them have no real understanding of the art world/art movements/etc. and so their reactions are great. Plus, sometimes they say the best thing.

I think I've told this story…

That has absolutely nothing to do with this in ANY way shape or form. If you can find a way to be offended by something this wonderful, there is something deeply wrong with you. I know we get into the whole "it's not ok to tell someone what they can't be offended by" thing, but no. I'm sorry. Here, you are wrong, and…

Bless her for at least trying everything.

At this point the photographer had taken about 40 photos of this adorable little girl sobbing, and we were starting to feel like monsters.

When children, teens and young adults do amazing things, I always think, "Wow. There is hope for the future." And when people from older generations, like Retired U.S. Army Col. Johnson, do amazing things, I always think, "I guess there was hope for us all along."

How much is Jezebel willing to pay for the unretouched photos?

#TeamReznor

She is as elusive as a neon sign in Vegas.