Those three steps/suggestions at the end are pretty good self-defense advice in general. I would also add drooling or gratuitous nose-blowing, assuming the guy gets close enough to ask you anything.

The violin? What about the violin, asks the fiddle player...

At first I thought that Eric Stonestreet was Rob Ford, which would have been truly brilliant.

I would just say that I've produced a few singers in the studio, and if they are getting fed the track through earphones but their vocal is not in the headphone mix (because the engineer is setting up the preamp or whatever)—so they are tuning their voice by hearing themselves through the sound insulation on the…

The headress must be edible; looks like Hindustani jalebits.

Ladyology, are you my wife? This is my third marriage, and the previous one went down in flames, certainly in part because it was nearly celibate (and I can tell you that there are things even worse than celibacy, and that's where your partner makes no effort whatsoever and finds your sexuality mildly irritating). …

There is actually a recently-published romance novel about flatulence in Seattle! "Fate, Flatulence, and Fortune Cookies" by Danette Kriehn. Available on Amazon...

I don't know, it was out-of-tune enough that it would be especially lame if she were lip-syncing.

One thing to consider, you could take the Buddha's approach—the question is wrong, an approach that worked for me a thousand years ago when I applied to college. The whole monument is an abomination to Native Americans, whose sacred lands were defiled by it. Take all the faces OFF! A little historical detail to…

Or West Africa! Ragtime emerges from nowhere and evolves into all African-American music. Yeah, it happened just like that. Not.

Allierific's dog isn't winking, she's lost her right eye. I had a Dalmatian, too, and looks like A's dog has the same eye problems mine did—it's an issue with Dalmatians, some sort of fragile cornea or something, and eventually the most humane thing is to remove the eye. Mine also had the power to get food in a…

Yeah, watch out for lentils! I live in the lentil capital of the world, and you know what they do so that they all ripen at the same time? They spray them with Roundup. I asked my farmer friend why they put the herbicide on food, and he said that it wasn't really an herbicide, it's a "desiccant." Oh, that's better…

When I was writhing on the floor in agony with a kidney stone, the ER doc said that it was about as painful as childbirth, but having watched my wife go through childbirth...eh, I don't think so. Maybe the most painful parts compared with moments of labor, but it's obvious that the stone lacked the epic misery of…

Great news! Since one plank of the Republican platform seeks to bar American judges from considering foreign law in their rulings, I guess that means they'll be retiring their agenda of shoving Biblical law down our collective throats...