My cat, who will literally devour the hot, steaming, partially-digested vomit my other cat pukes up as soon as it hits the floor, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

Thinks “Jezebel + science, this is going to be a trainwreck.”

My cat, who once opened the freezer at 3am, somehow contorted his furry little self enough to snatch up a bag of frozen shrimp and pranced upstairs to enjoy them in my bed and looked shocked when I, too, did not nibble a frozen shrimp in delight, has more self control than the caramel lady.

I believe the proper name for a group of teenage girls is a gossip.

Okay, here she is. Her name is Bossy. Once upon a time, she was a starving little stray who stole garbage. Now, she’s an arm-hugging, extremely-affectionate little mischief machine.

A whiteness of teenage girls ordering frappuccinos.

I was the great host where I worked and when we got a new manager he would only hire women taller than 5’10; not a lot women are that tall and apply at this restaurant. So I did the work and kept training dumbass hostesses, often working 8 days in a row or 14 hour days, but they all quit or got fired. To go back and…

“Her smooshed up face looked like a eager slice of wet ham”

I’m with you on this!

As a mentally ill person I want to bake this woman an amazing cake. This man is not mentally ill, and that would just be a way for Fox and even progressive outlets to ignore the changes and evolution that has occurred in American racism.

This is the ideal possible response.

Say you have a friend named Reese.

Yeah, fortunately he seems to be doing a lot better now.

“You’re surprisingly vocal for a walking anus.”

“You’re too pretty to be a dyke.”

I had no idea where to go with that. He went on to tell me that I met almost every specification that he had for a wife, but he was worried about my weight. My body looked ok now but I probably wouldn’t bounce back after the children.

“Girls who have been raped are normally fucking crazy; you actually seem really normal and pretty stable.”

“You know, I usually like really skinny, pretty Barbie doll types, but I really like you. You are so real and low maintenance. I like how you don’t put so much into your appearance. You’re so real.” After I had spent 2 hours getting ready for this date...

I’ve always wanted someone to write Flowers for Algernon in the Attic — this miraculous treatment has increased my intelligence a hundredfold! But it also filled me with strange desires towards my sibling...