Since this is apparently just an open thread this time:

L’Oreal is definitely better than ELF, IME. I use the L’Oreal Pencil Perfect when I use it, because who has time to fuck with sharpeners?

In my opinion you are looking at the Muppets with the glasses of Nostalgia, they have always had jokes that were meant for the adults in the room AND the softball jokes that catered to the younger crowd.

You didn’t know Animal was? How old are you? He’s Animal!!

Thank you so much. I loathe video. I’d much rather read.

A little relish in egg or potato salad is good sometimes, too.

My 3 year old was bouncing around while waiting for dinner. It just popped out, as I said, “You need to be cool. We’re all gonna be little Fonzies here.”

This one’s big in visuals, but I know how much people hate video lists, so here you go:

I was at a Bob Evans several years ago with my grandfather, who paid the bill by giving the money to the waitress, even though you’re supposed to bring the receipt up to the register. (This happened all the time apparently because this is a retirement community in Florida.) The waitress, who has been great, goes to…

Tuna melts are delicious! Mmm. So delicious.

My mom did it in the toilet bowl once. By urinating on a bowl full of bleach. She sat down, started to feel ‘bad tingling’ after a few seconds, and luckily was aware enough after the fact to flush quickly and run the overhead fan.

“I know my face says otherwise, but I do in fact prefer not to be punched. No it’s OK everybody does it.”

“Did it fucking look like pudding?!”

EVERYTHING!!!!! This post had EVERYTHINGGGG!!!!!!!!

I am realizing I’m probably someone else’s abjectly terrible restaurant employee story.

We gays only see movement. When straights stand still they become invisible. Also we don't have object permanence.

I’m pretty sure calling in dead is a Massachusetts thing, because I’ve seen it happen at two very different jobs.

I know I’ve joked about it before. After a particularly hard day “I might call in dead tomorrow.” When the schedule is tight, especially on a weekend. “Anybody who calls in on Saturday had better be calling in dead.”

My first job was at a restaurant where all the employees were kids from my high school. I was the dishwasher. We still employed the three sink system, meaning I was adequately shackled with the proper “Work is Hard and It Sucks, But Goldurnit it Was Much Harder In MY DAY” attitude that has helped me successfully and…