Yeah. Song? Sex? EW GROSS NEITHER

I love subtitles. I use them for everything. You know why? Because I also love my children, and I want them to sleep at night and not get woken up by the sounds of space battle.

I had to interview my own replacement a couple of years ago and I was SO IMPRESSED that one candidate had questions for me that I hired her over the second choice, despite Second Choice having more of the personality traits I was looking for.

CORRECT

I AM SO GLAD that my unreasonable, View Askewniverse-inspired crush on Jason Lee can now proceed unsullied by the cloud of sickly bees that is Scientology.

I would commit illegalities for Capt. Jack Harkness.

uuuuuuugghhhh RUFUS SEWELL FOREVER

Bobby, this is your finest piece of writing to date. I submit this for Jezebel’s eventual Top 10 Best Of retrospective.

Good call, Fly Bry (can I call you Fly Bry?). Plus, this way she can bring hookups back to the room and rock her roommate to sleep with the sweet, soothing motions of twin-bed-top-bunk sex.

PLUS

Why on EARTH would you want the top bunk and other desk and not the self-contained loft/desk unit? I don’t care where that sucker is in relation to the window, if I could isolate myself in my own corner of the dorm room, I’d do it in a hot second.

I laughed at this, which makes me think I’m a much more terrible person than I thought I was. OH WELL

Haha Kevin you mean you didn’t develop a muscle memory for all those jumps? n00b.

My knowledge of the case comes almost 100% from the Rolling Stone article a couple of years ago. It was pretty interesting! But also pretty heavy on the “innocent” side.

So the “Suspect Her” trailer is in Italian?

Is this the time for a Big Lebowski quote? Anyway, I really liked it.

I think it’s definitely the foremost strategy in this election’s playbook.

This was my go-to method for YEARS, but lmty: eventually your body will react not by stopping your hiccups, but with the seasoned and veteran reaction of just handling it like the upside-down opposite-side drinker you have become.

L. Ron Hubbard?

Guys. It’s 2016. This Board of Trustees deserves nothing more than a “Finally!” punctuated with an eyeroll.

It’s muscle definition obvs