merry christmas

Antonio Brown can barely dress and feed himself these days. At 8am every morning, a nurse arrives with his breakfast at the Allegheny Assisted Living Facility. Antonio reaches for his oatmeal, and drops the spoon from his mangled, shaking hand.

“The receiving player must maintain full control of the ball from the initial point of contact all the way through CTE diagnosis.”

Dear Bob Gamgort,

Wait, isn’t this the moron who’s always shitting on people for taking paternity leave? What an opportune moment to publicly remind people to care more about their families.

Little Caesars: Come see our empty insides before we do the same to you.

As others have pointed out before, the National Anthem is not a dedication to the troops. It is for all Americans. And as an American, you can decide for yourself whether or not you need to salute that song. Anybody who doesn’t like your choice can go take their complaints to the Breitbart message boards.

This is now the second time in a month that ESPN has fallen on its face while trying to discipline one of its biggest personalities for daring to talk politics on Twitter.

When I was a kid, I used to wonder, “What does ESPN stand for?”

If you went to McDonald’s for their nasty-ass chicken nuggets just to get some sauce because a cartoon character raved about it, you are one of the most gullible fools ever. You got played by a cartoon and a mega-corporation.

If you waited in line for hours to get said sauce, you have officially failed at life.

It was my lead pipe lock of the week!

Wait, you’re telling me the Chiefs gave the ball to Washington and then took it back a couple moments later? I feel like there’s a term for that..

Pssh, Kansas City always covers in games played at home on weekday nights when the temperature is above 50 degrees at kickoff against another team whose uniforms feature imagery appropriated from Native Americans.

You can also avoid STDs by pouring hydrochloric acid all over your face.