Alright, time to shut this thing down.
NBA playoffs-related journalist slap-fight!
Yes, we know: You've been incontinent with suspense about what rent asunder the sacred ugly-bumping bond between four-hundred-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow, the singer who had that song that time.
And you'd also like the chance for your equally inept rhyming abilities to earn you exciting cash and prizes? Yeah, we can hook you up with that. Please wear a helmet before viewing to ensure the mess from your brain's imminent, messy explosion doesn't stain the wallpaper. And we'll even get you started: make sure…
While Manny Ramirez began his hCG-detox in the Suspension Lounge deep within Scott Boras's Orange County compound, his now-abandoned team had to carry on without its lovable floppy-haired, hormone-abusing left fielder.
On the backchannels, Daulerio has charged us with launching a Deadspin I-Team investigation into the veracity of some suspiciously bottom-heavy photographs of the "Panamanian Cricket Team."
The above video, featuring Comcast SportsNet's Capitals reporter Lisa Hillary suffering a highly entertaining, if ultimately non-life-threatening, heart-attack while being terrorized by a Verizon Center rat, represents our first exposure to playoff hockey in years.
Greetings from Los Angeles, the charming little front-running town that just suffered a devastating cockpunch from a left-fielder who's being unfairly persecuted for his totally innocent use of a female fertility drug.