• “BINGO DAUBER
  

These are best read as short stories:

It would be a beautiful The More You Know. Celia turns to camera, very serious. “Remember, men. Flared base masturbators for butt-stuff. Never get a bullet vibe stuck in your rectum. Flared bases prevent rectal accidents.” The “do do do” tune chimes, Celia smiles slightly but conveying all the seriousness of the…

Another tragic incident from RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Bowling pin? That’s not how you pick up a spare.

Remember, adequate men, do not use your SO’s vibrator for yourself if SO isn’t using a prostate/rectum friendly one (and SO does not know obviously). That means flared bases. Don’t get your wife’s 6 inch dildo get stuck up in there. Get your own flared base anal masturbator.

As disturbing as these things are, it pales in comparison to what countless Americans are going to take in the ass in 2017.

This is the sound of one hand crapping

THE DARK SIDE OF THE GAY AGENDA

Working in healthcare is such a magical experience.

I also like to use: “patient claims . . .”

I was looking for this. Have a star, my friend. And a fusilli noodle.

• “HELD DOWN IN ART CLASS, CLASSMATE SHOVED SEQUINS DOWN THROAT”

• 10 BROKEN CRAYONS

...and eggtimers.

• “PER WIFE PATIENT SAT DOWN ON A SCREWDRIVER AND IT WENT UP HIS RECTUM”

Champion.

“SMILEY HAND TOY FROM VENDING MACHINE, MOM NOTED A RUBBER HAND PROTRUDING FROM RECTUM”

*Extremely smug early 2016 Bill Simmons voice* Yup, these are my readers.